The UnWizard's Handbook

Friday, July 21, 2006

(Excerpt from the book What The Bleep Do We Know, pgs. 119-130)

Luke Skywalker, upon seeing Yoda lift his X-Wing fighter out of the swamp using only his mind: I don't believe it!

Yoda: And that is why you fail.

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How to Turn a Magician into a Toad

1. Convince people that they are NOT magicians.

Since everyone is a magician, if you convince them they are not, then that's what they'll be. In that case, read no further.

Antidote: Remember your greatness: You are already a Magician.

2. Teach the glories of becoming a victim.

Once magicians accept being a victim, they have relinquished their claim to creating reality. For victims, reality happens to them: It is unfair and never their fault. So they never have to look within where they will see their own creation.

Antidote: Accept responsibility for your life.

3. Confound and crosswire Belief Systems.

Belief is the engine of creation. Any glitch in the belief of a magical act will derail it. "Authorities" are very useful in this undertaking.

Antidote: Don't give power away to authorities and trust your own experience. Remember: Belief is the engine of creation.

4. Make New Knowledge scary and inaccessible.

New knowledge is the key that unlocks old belief systems and opens the door to greater and greater realities. Furthermore, knowledge strengthens one's belief in the true workings of the universe, thus empowering the Magician. Therefore, employ the most drastic of countermeasures: fear.

Antidote: "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you."

5. Make Magicians creepy and being a Magician dangerous.

Enlightened beings are magnetically radiant, and they seek to enlighten everyone. Removing them one way or another eliminates the problem and makes others weary of following in their footsteps.

Antidote: Find those that you can learn wisdom from and study.

6. Get them to Lie.

A lie is a disconnect with reality. It fragments the liars, thus making them a house divided. It also fractures the integrity of their belief systems, thereby rendering any magic they do petty. Therefore, make lying acceptable.

Antidote: On the verge of a lie, ask yourself: What's the worst that can happen if I tell the truth, and is that worth sacrificing my magical heritage?

7. And never look inside.

Although the last rule, it is the keystone to all the above. If people never look inside, they will never discover the truth about who and what they really are. Therefore, convince them that true happiness is out there.

Antidote: Don't listen - Look within.

Currently reading : What the Bleep Do We Know!?™: Discovering the Endless Possibilities for Altering Your Everyday Reality By William Arntz

The UnWizard's Handbook

Friday, July 21, 2006

(Excerpt from the book What The Bleep Do We Know, pgs. 119-130)

Luke Skywalker, upon seeing Yoda lift his X-Wing fighter out of the swamp using only his mind: I don't believe it!

Yoda: And that is why you fail.

--------------------
How to Turn a Magician into a Toad

1. Convince people that they are NOT magicians.

Since everyone is a magician, if you convince them they are not, then that's what they'll be. In that case, read no further.

Antidote: Remember your greatness: You are already a Magician.

2. Teach the glories of becoming a victim.

Once magicians accept being a victim, they have relinquished their claim to creating reality. For victims, reality happens to them: It is unfair and never their fault. So they never have to look within where they will see their own creation.

Antidote: Accept responsibility for your life.

3. Confound and crosswire Belief Systems.

Belief is the engine of creation. Any glitch in the belief of a magical act will derail it. "Authorities" are very useful in this undertaking.

Antidote: Don't give power away to authorities and trust your own experience. Remember: Belief is the engine of creation.

4. Make New Knowledge scary and inaccessible.

New knowledge is the key that unlocks old belief systems and opens the door to greater and greater realities. Furthermore, knowledge strengthens one's belief in the true workings of the universe, thus empowering the Magician. Therefore, employ the most drastic of countermeasures: fear.

Antidote: "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you."

5. Make Magicians creepy and being a Magician dangerous.

Enlightened beings are magnetically radiant, and they seek to enlighten everyone. Removing them one way or another eliminates the problem and makes others weary of following in their footsteps.

Antidote: Find those that you can learn wisdom from and study.

6. Get them to Lie.

A lie is a disconnect with reality. It fragments the liars, thus making them a house divided. It also fractures the integrity of their belief systems, thereby rendering any magic they do petty. Therefore, make lying acceptable.

Antidote: On the verge of a lie, ask yourself: What's the worst that can happen if I tell the truth, and is that worth sacrificing my magical heritage?

7. And never look inside.

Although the last rule, it is the keystone to all the above. If people never look inside, they will never discover the truth about who and what they really are. Therefore, convince them that true happiness is out there.

Antidote: Don't listen - Look within.

Currently reading : What the Bleep Do We Know!?™: Discovering the Endless Possibilities for Altering Your Everyday Reality By William Arntz

You...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Yes, YOU!

I can still feel you after all this time. Sometimes I take a trip through you. Through your eyes. Your heart beat. Through your blood stream. Out your breath. In and out of every molecule of your being. I can touch you as you do me.

Somedays, I can feel you looking out my eyes. I feel you sitting inside. I can smell you. Hear your voice. Feel your touch reassuring me.

I see you. The real you. The infinite you. You're so beautiful and so perfect. I see through your self-imposed burdens and limitations. I see through the personalities you've created. I know you like no other. I love you like no other. And I love you regardless of your self-loathing. Regardless of your fear. Regardless of the fall. And I forgive you for not remembering. I forgive myself for not remembering.

I sit holding your hand, waiting for you to remember the story that you told me. You sat with me holding my hand as I dripped with self-loathing, fear and despair. You waited Lovingly... Loving me.

It's excruciating. It's tramatizing. But, it's the most beautiful story ever told. And the end is just the begining. There is nothing to fear. I Am always with you as you are always with me. There is no separation. I Am in Love with YOU eternally.

Who Am I?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm reading the Book, What The Bleep Do We Know? I highly recommend it. I saw the movie and of course was like, I saw the movie, I don't need to read the book. Well, clearly I missed some things in the movie. Plus, it's so much information jammed into two hours, how can one possibly retain everything?

So one of the first things that I some how missed in the movie or that wasn't included in the movie was the part about Ramana Maharshi, the Indian sage who told his students that the path to enlightenment was summed up in: "Who am I?" Hellooo? I was playing that game at 6 years old. Odd. As children we're so tapped in and then time and experience pull us out. I remember asking my friends if they ever played that game where you lost all thought of who you were. Of course, none of them did or would admit to it. That was one of those times where I was like, Hmm...maybe I need to keep this stuff to myself.

What's also interesting is that he had an experience where he thought he was going to die. Well, I remember that around the time I started playing that game with myself, I had become obsessed with the eminent death of my parents. I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. I knew they would die someday and I couldn't deal with that. Well, one night I cried so hard that everything went black. Then all of these twinkling stars began to descend upon me. They all had consciousness. They were people. I knew they were my people. There was a lead star and he spoke to me. He said something like, "There's nothing to fear in death. This is what death feels like." Then all of the stars began glowing and I was filled with loving ecstacy. It was the most beautiful feeling I've ever experienced. Then it was over. I never obsessed about my parent's deaths again. I forgot about that experience for about 20 years.

After that experience... I'm not sure of the time frame (it was within the same year) an ugly thing happened (I don't need to go into detail) where I thought I was going to die. I was prepared for it. I even saw where I was going to be killed and my body dumped. But then, something completely unexpected happened... My would be killer, let me go. I was shocked. I knew I should've died. As I ran home I kept saying over and over to myself, I can't believe he let me go. I should've died. I saw it. I can't believe he let me go.

The point is that I accepted my fate at 7 years old. I wasn't afraid to die. But then I guess that particular fate wasn't to be mine after all. Huh... Maybe because I didn't have fear and I showed no emotion, killing me wouldn't have been any fun. He did seem disappointed. Maybe my experience with the stars saved my life. Who knows?

Sometimes I've thought that maybe I did die and I'm one of those spirits who doesn't know any better and I've created this life here. But then I've tried to levitate and fly the heck outta here... nope. Of course I wouldn't be fortunate enough! Nice try, I know.
So,I continued to occassionally play the Who Am I? game until about 11 years old. Not sure why I stopped...perhaps adolescence!

So Who Am I? Nothing and Everything and I'm okay with that!

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P.S. A flock of about 50 of the teenest birds I've ever seen just flew into the lemon tree and bushes out front... and just as quickly disappeared. I've never seen them before. So sweet!
Currently reading : What the Bleep Do We Know!?™: Discovering the Endless Possibilities for Altering Your Everyday Reality By William Arntz

Dating and my parental status questions answered

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Am I dating anyone? Why yes, funny you should ask. I AM dating someone. Shes foxy, passionate, intelligent, well read, plays and writes music, is into spiritual evolution, multidimensional travel, quantum physics and loves animals. Everything I could ever ask for. And I get to see her everyday, whenever I look into the mirror! (Hey, I'm a Leo what'd you expect?)

Do I have children? Why yes, I have a son. He's awfully cute too. I see him periodically. Lately, I've chosen to not remember our meetings. See, he's still on the other side. I haven't decided whether or not to bring him over and may never decide to. This isn't the best place for children you know. He says he's coming, but I don't know... I tell him he has to talk his father into it first! LOL

I propose a new etiquette with regard to these two areas... DON'T ASK!

First of all, my dear family and friends Don't you think I would tell you if I'd met someone after years of solitude and celibacy? (Less than 5 minutes does NOT count!)

Strangers, I understand that you are trying to make conversation, but you don't know me. You don't know anything about me or my past. What if I had lost a child? What if I wasn't biologically capable of having children? And Lord forbid, what if I just didn't want children? Sometimes I get a little irritated at the blank stares of disbelief and respond with something like, "God no! Why would I bring anything I loved into this world?" That always silences them.

I realize this is a part of programmed communication, but really its boring. Please, lets change the tape/CD on that one. I am fine being single. Others may not be fine with me being single, but that's Their Damage (thanks Kurls!) I'd rather have myself and have no partner than have a partner with whom I lose myself.

I know I am not alone. I have great friends (in many different worlds) and wonderful worldy and otherworldly experiences. I truly am at peace with myself. I can support myself financially, emotionally and spiritually. Also, I am still a sexual being. Just because I do not need another person for that doesn't mean I'm some dried up old...you get the point. I need no one. I love relationships, don't get me wrong. I'd rather be in love than not. Infact, I am in love, with the world. (Love you, MPAH!)

I think perhaps, my idea of a loving partnership is somewhat different from a lot of folks. I am not interested in some ridiculous karmic relationship. No you cannot re-enact your childhood drama with me. I'm going to live the real thing. I've already experienced it.

When I do meet the fellow of my dreams (I mean that quite literally) It will be because we are both ready and both want to experience True Love which knows no boundaries. (In all it's terror and glory.)

PATIENCE. I've been mastering it for the last few years and I've finally got the hang of it. This earthly deal is very, very short in the scheme of things. I'm not worried.

"He who has not patience, let him keep his hands from the work..."

P.S. I do love children and if you are bringing and/or have brought children into this world, then I am truly happy for you.

DNA portals & Seeing Dead People

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I read an article about DNA wormholes and Portals. It's just like Dad always said. (I'm not kidding! He's always said that wormholes where inside us and all interdimentional travel is within.) So after reading the article, I woke up several times in the middle of the night. But I'm in a body, floating above my physical body which is still in the bed and I'm feeling a wave of different portals flowing through my entire body. I was like, "no, don't wanna go through that one. Nope. No, not that one". It was such a bizarre experience. It was like I knew where each one lead to, but they weren't any place I wanted to go at the moment. Maybe I was looking for one in particular. Of course, they are always two beings I constantly try to revisit! One I've been successful on occasion, the other no so much,but that's about to change.
An excerpt from the article is at the end of the blog.

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Next I dreamt about Mew. I couldn't see her, but she was moving things to prove that she was with me in spirit. There was an electrical cord that she was holding up in front of me. My mom and brother witnessed it too.

The night before I dreamt that A woman (A mysterious dream psychic. About 50, dark hair pulled back, a big gal.) was talking to me and petting Mew. I said, "You mean, you can see her?" Knowing she was in spirit. The woman was like, "Of course" and continued petting her.

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Next I dreamt that I could see dead people. I always wondered how it looked to be able to see into the spirit world with physical eyes and if you even could. I saw it has a lay-over. Like a transparency. The spirits were in black and white and it was a bit grainier. Their world was directly over the physical world which was in color. There were three guys together and then one guy alone. The three guys left the room and then I went over to talk to the lone guy. He was jacked up. I was thinking, Please don't let this be like a Medium or Ghost Whisper episode (not that I watch them) where I have to tell the guy he's dead. Of course, that was exactly what I had to do. It turned out he had been shot.I told him that he was lucky that he was dead, because there was a lot he could do and he would have a lot more freedom (I think the dream may have been inspired by an accident that happened last night a street over from my apartment. There was a bloody body laying in the middle of the street. I have no idea what happened and there was nothing in the paper. But the normally busy street was closed off for hours. Not a good sign.)

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So, this brings me to the most bizarre dream of the night, believe it or not. I dreamt of tree with a odd growth on it. It was a type of palm with a long floral thing hanging from it. It was swaying back and forth and playing with itself by batting the growths around. There was a big white one and and a smaller orange one. I woke up thinking it was an odd experience, because it was again, one of those vivid dreams. I've also never experienced an animated tree in a dream!
In waking life, I went to the Cove with my roommate today and we walked for over a mile and on the way back I looked up and saw the tree. It had the white flower thing, but not the orange. Still, it was the tree.

The thing is that I have not walked down that far in years, I had no idea that we were goin to go to the Cove when I woke up this morning and I don't recall ever seeing that type of tree. It's just weird that I dream of things (and there have been others I haven't blogged about) that I'm going to see in "real" life within 24 hours.

Why something so random? Was it random? I can't imagine seeing events before they happen. Although, there is one biggy I saw (all good) that I'm very patiently waiting for...I may have to wait until the afterlife, but I do know it's coming (it's already happened) and it makes this life all worth it!

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"...Russian scientists found that our DNA can open up communication links to other universes. These are the channels through which we have access to telepathy, remote viewing, or a state of revelation. Thelinks are called wormholes. They are tunnels that connect to other dimensions, through which information can be transmitted outside of our concept of linear time and physical space. The DNA attracts bits of information and passes the data to our subconscious which, if we are consciously aware and are receptive to it, surfaces into our conscious. In a positive state, the information provides us with intuitive insights that enhance our consciousness. These wormholes also allow us to enter a state of genius by tapping into "other worldly" information that sparks creative outputs like a masterpiece painting, a Pulitzer prize winning literary work, or a scientific breakthrough.However, these wormholes are also capable of causing disturbance. Once opened, the information from other universes still flows. The activated wormholes need to be deactivated, or it is possible that we can be remotely controlled via our DNA. It is one thing to accept intuitive information that works to our advantage. It is quite another to lay ourselves open to anything wishing to enter."

http://www.annebrewer.com/

Self Hypnosis and Mind Control

Monday, July 10, 2006

Okay, so after watching Derren Brown an English hypnotist/entertainer it really opened my eyes to how the power of suggestion, be it from an outside source or myself can completely affect my perspective of reality.

At the bottom of the blog there are links to some of Derren's videos. Warning: a lot of the other videos are conspiracy theory oriented. Personally, I choose to not tune into the Reptoids-are-taking-over-the-world channel. I'd rather tune into the I AM channel and continue OBSERVING a much more pleasant, loving, evolutionary path for us all. I haven't the time for fear.

In one of the videos, there are some gals who are each given a fork to hold. Derren suggests to them that the forks are begining to vibrate. Then he suggests that they are moving and bending. The girls are watching and giggling in amazement at how the forks are moving. Of course the camera just shows two girls holding two forks. Neither of the forks moving.
That really freaked me out. The fact that the mind can SEE things through the power of suggestion. Their perception and perspective were altered by his words. I started thinking along the lines of how my mind could be altering my perspective by the words I speak and the thoughts I hold every day. I immediately thought of these two books I read years and years ago. I stole them from my mom's psychological library. One was called Trance-Formations and the other Trances People Live.

Basically, they both talk about how sometimes we recreate our childhood tramas over and over again in our adult life through a sort of self-induced trance state. The goal is to reprogram the mind and step out of that trance state. (Gawd, why why why does it always come back around? ARG!)

It's not simply that we create our reality with our thoughts, we also hypnotize ourselves into reliving an event or believing that "reality" is ours forever.

I started realizing that every morning when I begin to wake up, the first thing I say to myself is, "I'm so tired!" Well, that right there...hypnotizing myself. I say it several times in fact and ya know what? I'm damn tired. So, as a test I've started to say (AND I SAY THIS VERY WILLFULLY. Not passive at all!) I say, "I am wide awake and excited and ready to start my day. I have more than enough energy to get me through the day." So far, it's been working. I'm willing myself to have better dream recall, too. Instead of saying, "Oh, I don't remember my dreams this morning". I say, "I remember my dreams in every detail." And sure enough, the memories pop up. sometimes right away, sometimes later in the day.

This "thoughts create reality thing" I know it's true on a deeper level now. But, I think everyone seems to make it seem so simple. Like, turn it over to God, the Source... Yes, turn it over, but you really need to be WILLFUL and convincing!

It is challangeing to say the least, when trying to change the firing of your synapses! Again, that takes WILL to redirect! I don't care what anyone says. It's a workout! Think of the man in The Secret, who beyond all odds, is not only able to breath on his own again, but able to walk and talk too. He didn't just lay in that hospital bed and say, "okay God, it's up to you." Passive... No, he WILLED it with EVERY OUNCE of his being.

When I do my affirmations now, I don't do them half-assed, half-asleep like I used to. I really focuse and feel. I am determined.

As I was walking downtown the other day I heard a man's voice behind me say passionately, "Don't give up! Don't even waiver!" He was talking to a woman who didn't seem to see the power in his words. I was like, "I'll take that power...thank you!" That's what it takes to make things happen and especially to change current programing.

I was also reading a bulletin that was talking about the possibility that DNA can be influenced and reprogrammed by words and frequencies. (I've always thought music could! Which, is both frequency and language.)

Another thought on all of this is the idea that the one thing that we use to determine our reality (our mind/consciousness) is intangible. With all of the things I've experience within myself and without, it's a labrynth! Everyone has a different answer to what I have or have not experienced. The end result is that I can either learn to trust and love myself and the plan I have created and KNOW beyond a doubt that I have lovinly chosen the best path for me. I know what I've experienced. I know I'm fortunate to have had the experiences even if they were all in my mind, then again, isn't every thing?

You know, I want to run off and see the world, but I know that I will eventually have to return to the very place I left. The only thing that can bring me peace, right now, right here, at my current job, in my current home is self-love. And one of the things I need to do to become more self-loving is to change-up some unproductive, hypnotic patterns and perspectives.

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P.S. HA! I failed the test on the Channel 4's website, because I knew what he wanted me to pick and chose another, same with the cards, I noticed his hand signals! Yeah, hopefully I wouldn't be one of the people raising my hand out of nowhere in middle of the mall! Guess, the tramatic childhood experiences are good for somethings! LOL! Also, I never watched T.V. during my formative years. And, I sure as hell don't watch it now that Invasion's been cancelled!

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Derren's videos...scroll down to the player and then click on Mind Control and Mind Deprogramming from the menu.

His videos are the first two.
http://www.mind-deprogramming.com/

Other clips...
http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/M/mindcontrol/video/index.html

The Unicorn of the Sea!

Friday, July 07, 2006

I dreamt I was standing by a flowing river with two others, one male one female. We were watching these sea creatures swim by. The were migrating. The water was clear, so we could see them perfectly. I can't recall all of the different types of creatures, but one creature was a combination between an elephant and a manatee. They were huge with an elephant head, trunk, big ears and a manatee body! They were so cute!

Then the fellow was standing too close to the edge, but just as we were telling him to step back, a horn came shooting up outta the water. We screamed in excitement, "A narwhal!".

Then there was something about the narwhal having a cat, but that's all I recall for now.

Oh, the creatures in the stream of my subconscious...gotta love 'em.

Moore dream recall & The 12 Conditions for a Miracle

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Goodness, I remembered more dreams as the day went on. First I have to mention how I woke up in the middle of the night two nights ago, not feeling so well. I had all of this sacred geometry art in my head. It was too much. Then I saw an image of a eerie white mask of a human face laying on a red background. Long story short...Later that day, I was cruising around of myspace and found an interesting video on human consciousness/quantum physics and that image was in the video. Except, that the mask had eyes and there was a little bit of blue and green in the background. But red was the most prevelent color.

Even if that is a common image. It's interesting that I would have a vision of it hours before I would actually see it in the physical. Also, the movie was by a company I had never heard of. Very indy, to say the least.

====================
So I remembered a dream in which I was being shown how to raise my physical energy. Something that I've been lacking lately! I was shown exercises, only one of which I remember. I was told to stand with my legs apart and to windmill my arms across the front of me, both forward and back. I had been doing something like that in "real" life, but I was swinging my arms straight ahead and straight back. I've tried it and it definitely gets the heart pumping more.

I was also shown a man who had something wrong with his foot. It was broken or something. Anyway, "they" (I have no idea) were healing him. 2 days later, he was completely healed. They told me that if he would've believed 100hat he would've been healed instantaneously. And that all healing is instantaneous.

I also saw a fellow who kept morphing infront of me. I told him I didn't like his blue eyes and to make them brown and he abliged. Then he was too young, then too old. I was in a room and I was sticking my hand out trying to reach him as he was morphin... I'm such a freak...

=====================
So I've been reading The Twelve Conditions of a Miracle. I really like it. In fact, it has inspired me like you would'nt believe!

I have been meaning to clean my closet, which has become a storage unit (I know, I know so symbolic) for over a year. After reading about blockage and stagnation and how important it is to keep the energy flowing in my life, I had a mini break down.

I had to admit how blocked I am in SEVERAL areas of my life, one being creativity. That one kills the most, because it's not up to anyone except myself and my relationship with The Source! Ouch!

So I accepted that I have several dams that need to be torn down. Thank goodness, some part of me took over and busted out 8 hours on the 3rd of cleaning and tossing out stuff. I donated 4 garbage bags of clothes and sewing material. I also got rid of an overflowing banker's box of books. I had been saving them for friends...well, now there are out in the universe just waiting for the right person to come along. I realized I didn't have faith in the books getting to the right people.

I still have so much stuff to get rid off, but mostly stuff I'm not ready to get rid of yet. AT least everything is contained. I spent $75 on storage bins at Target. I got $25 for some of the books, though!

Anyway, so the book is interesting. I had never realized the part about "going to the desert" to ask and visualize. I think I'm getting the meditation thing now. It's not just about clearing the mind, it's about clearing my personality too! It's the whole "Who am I?" thing. All along I had it, but didn't know what it was for! Goodness...

I also had to admit that I'm not as balanced femine/masculine as I thought. I really thought I was balanced with regard to previous lifestyles etc... But I need to tap into the guy more to be less reactionary and emotional (not that guys can't be emotional). I think it was my inner guy helping me clean up and throw shit out. I wasn't doing it out of fear. I was doing it because I really had the desire to treat myself well. It's the kindest thing I've done for myself in a while.
Another important lesson was that I should never expect anything back from anyone I give to or reach out to, but that The Source WILL provide for me in return. That's a big thing for me. "But I reached out to them. But I did this, that and the other thing, and no response..." Glad I can cross that one off my wonderment list.

The one thing I'm uncertain of is that in this book, the author says to NOT be specific when asking for things. Every other book or movie I've seen says to be as specific as possible, but to be open to outcome. So, I'll have to meditate on that one and see what answer arrives. Maybe I'll dream the answer.

All right that's all for now. Remember, "When things are good, say good things. When things are bad, say twice as many good things."

Currently reading : The Twelve Conditions of a Miracle By R. Todd Michael Release date: By 09 September, 2004

Moore dream recall & The 12 Conditions for a Miracle

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Goodness, I remembered more dreams as the day went on. First I have to mention how I woke up in the middle of the night two nights ago, not feeling so well. I had all of this sacred geometry art in my head. It was too much. Then I saw an image of a eerie white mask of a human face laying on a red background. Long story short...Later that day, I was cruising around of myspace and found an interesting video on human consciousness/quantum physics and that image was in the video. Except, that the mask had eyes and there was a little bit of blue and green in the background. But red was the most prevelent color.

Even if that is a common image. It's interesting that I would have a vision of it hours before I would actually see it in the physical. Also, the movie was by a company I had never heard of. Very indy, to say the least.

====================
So I remembered a dream in which I was being shown how to raise my physical energy. Something that I've been lacking lately! I was shown exercises, only one of which I remember. I was told to stand with my legs apart and to windmill my arms across the front of me, both forward and back. I had been doing something like that in "real" life, but I was swinging my arms straight ahead and straight back. I've tried it and it definitely gets the heart pumping more.

I was also shown a man who had something wrong with his foot. It was broken or something. Anyway, "they" (I have no idea) were healing him. 2 days later, he was completely healed. They told me that if he would've believed 100hat he would've been healed instantaneously. And that all healing is instantaneous.

I also saw a fellow who kept morphing infront of me. I told him I didn't like his blue eyes and to make them brown and he abliged. Then he was too young, then too old. I was in a room and I was sticking my hand out trying to reach him as he was morphin... I'm such a freak...

=====================
So I've been reading The Twelve Conditions of a Miracle. I really like it. In fact, it has inspired me like you would'nt believe!

I have been meaning to clean my closet, which has become a storage unit (I know, I know so symbolic) for over a year. After reading about blockage and stagnation and how important it is to keep the energy flowing in my life, I had a mini break down.

I had to admit how blocked I am in SEVERAL areas of my life, one being creativity. That one kills the most, because it's not up to anyone except myself and my relationship with The Source! Ouch!

So I accepted that I have several dams that need to be torn down. Thank goodness, some part of me took over and busted out 8 hours on the 3rd of cleaning and tossing out stuff. I donated 4 garbage bags of clothes and sewing material. I also got rid of an overflowing banker's box of books. I had been saving them for friends...well, now there are out in the universe just waiting for the right person to come along. I realized I didn't have faith in the books getting to the right people.

I still have so much stuff to get rid off, but mostly stuff I'm not ready to get rid of yet. AT least everything is contained. I spent $75 on storage bins at Target. I got $25 for some of the books, though!

Anyway, so the book is interesting. I had never realized the part about "going to the desert" to ask and visualize. I think I'm getting the meditation thing now. It's not just about clearing the mind, it's about clearing my personality too! It's the whole "Who am I?" thing. All along I had it, but didn't know what it was for! Goodness...

I also had to admit that I'm not as balanced femine/masculine as I thought. I really thought I was balanced with regard to previous lifestyles etc... But I need to tap into the guy more to be less reactionary and emotional (not that guys can't be emotional). I think it was my inner guy helping me clean up and throw shit out. I wasn't doing it out of fear. I was doing it because I really had the desire to treat myself well. It's the kindest thing I've done for myself in a while.
Another important lesson was that I should never expect anything back from anyone I give to or reach out to, but that The Source WILL provide for me in return. That's a big thing for me. "But I reached out to them. But I did this, that and the other thing, and no response..." Glad I can cross that one off my wonderment list.

The one thing I'm uncertain of is that in this book, the author says to NOT be specific when asking for things. Every other book or movie I've seen says to be as specific as possible, but to be open to outcome. So, I'll have to meditate on that one and see what answer arrives. Maybe I'll dream the answer.

All right that's all for now. Remember, "When things are good, say good things. When things are bad, say twice as many good things."

Currently reading : The Twelve Conditions of a Miracle By R. Todd Michael Release date: By 09 September, 2004

Okaaay, There's a Whirling Rainbow Prophecy...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 (oops posted in the wrong order)

Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. It's also sometimes called the Rainbow Warrior Prophecy. I was researching the symbolism of the indian with the swirling rainbow lights around him...
Well, before I even started that search, I was reading a recall of a close encounter with a ufo where the ship had swirling rainbow lights around it. I thought that was odd. So it prompted me to Google, Indian and swirling rainbow.

Here's an excerpt...

"The Whirling Rainbow is the promise of peace among all Nations and all people. The Rainbow Race stresses equality and opposes the idea of a superior race that would control or conquer other races. The Rainbow Race brings peace through the understanding that all races are one. The unity of all colors, all creeds working together for the good of the whole, is the idea that is embodied in the Whirling Rainbow. When all pathways to wholeness are respected by all cultures, the prophecy of the Whirling Rainbow will be completed.

When I lived in Mexico and worked with the Grandmothers, the Dreamtime Buffalo Society, or Sisterhood, had many prophecies derived from Seers and Dreamers that had come down through the ages. The prophecy of the Whirling Rainbow was very specific. When the Time of the White Buffalo approaches, the third generation of the White Eyes' children will grow their hair and speak of love as the healer of the Children of the Earth.

These children will seek new ways of understanding themselves and others. They will wear feathers and beads and paint their faces. They will seek the Elders of the Red Race and drink of their wisdom. These white-eyed children will be a sign that the Ancestors are returning in white bodies, but they are Red on the inside. They will learn to walk the Earth Mother in balance again and reform the idea of the white chiefs. These children will be tested as they were when they were Red ancestors by unnatural substances like firewater to see if they can remain on the Sacred Path.

The generation of Flower Children have moved through this part of the prophecy and some have remained on the Sacred Path. Others were lost for a while and are now returning to the natural way of being. Some were disillusioned and have forgotten the high ideals that gave them life when their hearts were young, but others still are waking up and quickening into remembering.

Grandmother Cisi would look at me with her obsidian eyes piercing my soul when she spoke of the Whirling Rainbow Prophecy, and I would feel my heart skip a beat and then fill with promise and love. She would tell me about the return of the Buffalo to Turtle Island and how the herds would once again be numerous. After the time when the Buffalo returned, the generation following the Flower Children would see the dawning of the Fifth World of Peace."
Whirling Rainbow Prophesy Source

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Suddenly I'm remembering an astral experience when a white owl flew down to me and turned into the head of a gypsy woman with a turbon on. She told me somethings that seemed irrelevent and so I asked her about my husband. She said, "Why do you want to know about him?" Then discusted she said, "The thing is that red and white have never gotten along. You cannot do things just because he does them. If he smokes, you do not need to smoke, If he drinks, you do not need to drink..." That's all I remember. The "red and white have never gotten along" is what stuck with me. Which one of us is red? Don't think I've met him yet...we'll see.

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so I've been trolling around the internet and discovering that things I've experienced and have been experiencing are almost achetypal in nature. I find it both disturbing and relieving all at once. It gives my experiences validation, yet, am I prepared for that? Do I really want it all to be "real"? Of course I do. I've definitely reached the point of no return. And no matter how much I've tried to talk myself out of things, my gut won't let certain things go. I feel as if I'd be breaking my promise to never forget and to never give up...whatever that means...

===============-----
I did have a prophetic dream this morning. I dreamt that a client cancelled her appointment for today and that I was really pissed off at her. I awoke wondering why I dreamt of her and why I cared that she cancelled. Well, guess what? She called and cancelled, but I wasn't the least bit upset. I knew for a fact that she would cancel. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.
Pointless... babystuff. Why not something more exciting? Except, no Kurls getting swept up in a tornado...(At least I saw it set you down safetly P ;) And you were! Phew!)

Happy Independence Day! The Indians Are Back!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

(*&&^S&*(* Mercury Retrograde! Hate it! I just finished my blog and my computer crashed before I could post it! It's bad enought that I'm a Gemini rising, it's retrograde in Leo! BASTARD!

Okay, Let me get back to the blog...

This morning as I was waking, I saw an image of a Native American Indian. He was gorgeous, well over 6' tall, muscular with long black hair. All he was wearing was a loin cloth and some beads. I can't remember if he had moccasins on. Anyway, he didn't have any feathers or paint and he was standing with his right leg bent and raised. A stream of multicolored lights (a rainbow) swirled about him. He was in a trance and his eyes had a glow to them. The lights were so bright and beautiful. I wasn't at all afraid of the Indian's intensity, just facinated.

After waking and walking around for a few minutes, I realized how ironic it is that I would see a True Native American on America's Independece day.

I go through periods where I'll dream about Native American Indians. I take it to be a good thing. They're always giving me advice, in a humorous sort of way. Sometimes they just show me things, like how a rain dance works. I'm excited. I hope this means, there baaaack.
I'm going to have to research and see if I can decipher the image.

Mothra

Saturday, July 01, 2006

It's amazing how a sudden movement or observation will trigger a memory of a dream.
I saw something fly by out of the corner of my eye (I think it was a damselfly), and I suddenly remembered that I dreamt of a huge moth. It was a pretty one with a 6-7" wingspan. This fellow and I were trying to get it to fly out the window, but it kept smashing into it. Finally, I cupped it ever so gently in my hands, lifted it to the window and it flew off.

Dream symbol: mothmoth, mothsInterpretation:Emerging from a period of darkness or depression and moving towards light or enlightenmentTransformationSomething that is decayed, worn or outdated, moth-eaten

Dreams of Violation and High Healin'

Saturday, July 01, 2006

AHH! The last few days, I'm had a couple of disturbing dreams.

In the first one, I was walking to a parking lot to get my car when I noticed someone inside my vehicle! I was slightly disturbed to say the least. Supposedly he had a warrant to search my car. So I went to the Lieutenant or Captain...don't remember the title, a female, and asked to see the proper paper work. She just smirked and said she didn't need it under these circumstances. I was furious. I knew I wouldn't get through to her. I woke up wondering who the hell was going through my vehicle and also knowing that I have nothing to hide.

This morning I dreamt that I was going to go to a movie, I can't remember which one, but that I was also doing laundry with a friend. It was a soldout show, but we had bought our tickets online so we were thrilled to be getting in. We had other friends wait in line while we went off to start the laundry. Of course, something happened with the laundry and we ended up missing the movie.

Other things happened where I had to leave my friends to finish the laundry while I ended up walking around some strange village getting dirty. I fell into a huge puddle of mud and slime. Anyway,by the time I made it home,my friends were just showing up. It turns out that they left my laundry at the laundry mat! They brought there's back. I was so mad, because I had been running around doing things for all of us. Not only was I filthy and my laundry left behind (hmm...maybe not a bad thing after all) but my car was too (The symbolism is becoming clearer). I yelled at one friend and told her that she had to drive me back and get my laundry and my car with me.

Next I was taking a bath, fully clothed (I have no idea!). It was like half the size of a bath tub long ways, if you can imagine that. And people kept coming in a sitting too close or trying to get into the tub with me. I was like, "Step off!" Then I realized that I was fully clothed and filthy and I wanted to take my clothes off to wash up, but this fellow wouldn't leave. (dream dude, no one in "real life")

I don't remember anything but rage after that. Of course, as I'm typing this, the symbolism is becoming clearer. LOL! Maybe it wasn't as "bad" a dream as I thought.
The main thing with both of these dreams was rage and furry for somebody else not respecting my vehicle, my space or my belongings. At least the emotions haven't stayed with me. Phew.

==================
In between the above mentioned dreams. I dreamt that I was climbing something. I was about to give up because I was having to use all of my upper body strength to pull myself up. I got to a part where I had to literally lean back to climb up and I was like, "I can't do this". Then my dad who was with me (I take it to be symbolic of the masculine aspect of The Source) pulled out a map and showed me where I was. The map was a picture of a high heeled shoe! I was just one or two pull-ups from the top and then it would be all down hill. With that knowledge, I easily pulled myself up to the top. If he hadn't showed me how close I was to the top, I would've quit.
So he told me to go on without him and my sister Nyonna, who was now with us and ready to give up herself. I tried to tell her how close she was but she wouldn't listen. I wanted to stay and leisurely finish the course (it was an obstacle course...no surprise there!). But he insisted that I was making good time and should run ahead. I said, "But, you've got the map".
Anyway, I ended up leaving and getting lost several times and turned out that I didn't make that good of time after all! I was irritated that I listen to him and that I tried to compete with the other participants. I just wanted to enjoy myself.

So all this other stuff happened and at the end,I was watching (out-of-body) this boy who was talking to a bicycle builder (whatever they're called) and the builder was asking him what type of bike and what features he'd want if he could have his dream bike. The boy described everything in great detail. (reminds me of The Secret, kind of...the boy and the bike.)
Next, I saw the boy at home opening a package. It was not only a custom made bike, but a cycling outfit as well! The boy was thrilled, because the builder never said the bike was for him. He had pretended to be asking him questions just for his bike business in general.
So the boy was thrilled with this one-of-a-kind custom made bicycle. Then he put on the outfit and let out scream of excitement and yelled as he was rolling around on the floor, "And it's got heels! It's got heels!". The end.

Hard to ignore heels. Perhaps it's Heals!

I wonder if others bare "witness" in there dreams as much as I do. Oh, and the boy of course was cute with brow hair, brown eyes. Perhaps my animas as a boy?
Keeps me entertained.

HUMMINGBIRDS!!!

Friday, June 30, 2006
I am absolutely in LOVE with hummingbirds. I've blogged about them before, but...so what!
They have such a magical energy. It's so Loving. And now...clearly they are telepathic. I was at work talking on the phone to Kurls and I saw one of them go to the feeder. I thought it was a girl and so I said to Kurls, "oh, it's a girl, they never come up to the window to say hi." Just then the cutie flew right up to the window and hovered, saying hi to me. I could see that it was a boy because of the coloring(oops, my bad.) He did a little flip hovered a "Hello" again, hovered a bit more and flew off! I was like a little kid screaming in the phone to Kurls, "he's at the window!" Waving at him, "Hi cutie! Hello!" He knew! He was like, "Excuse me, but I'm a BOY and I do say hi to you all the time!" I LOVE HIM!

He's an Anna's hummingbird. Gorgeous, no? They are such Lovers!

OMG! Now the Ruby Throated Fellow came up. I opened the door and he just flew up to it like he was coming in. One of these days, one of them's gonna fly right in to say, Hi. I just know it!
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Okay, after more research, the second one, may have been a female Anna. They can have red spots...Hmm...must get a closer look.

Chirp sample: http://www.mschloe.com/hummer/anhu3.wav

Ever woken up not knowing who you were?

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I did today. It was kinda cool. It was like when I was a kid and used to play my game Who Am I? (I'd ask myself that question over and over until I lost all conscious thought of who I was.) I woke up not thinking of myself as Jennifer. Not even thinking of myself as female or male. The most interesting thing was that I had no dread. I wasn't even tired. I immediately thought that, too...Wow, waking up without the burdens of Jennifer makes getting up in the morning easier! LOL.

Then Jennifer slowly crept back in. Then suddenly I was tired and not wanting to get out of bed. I wonder what it would take to leave Jennifer's burdens behind. What if we all operated out of the present moment with no past and no future. Without our adapted personalities to hold us prisioner. Hmmm... Just a thought

My Parallel Life with Kurls

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I came home exhausted from work, as I have the last week and attempted to nap around 5:00pm. (I don't think I've been getting REM sleep. Not sure why, but my sleep and dreaming have been shallow for the most part.)

As I drifted off, I saw a couple dressed in robes walking. There was a baby, maybe a year old being carried on the father's shoulder. The baby had a turbon on. He turned and looked at me and winked. I knew this nap was gonna be special!

The next thing I knew, I was under a huge cypress tree. A Lealand Cypress to be exact. It was an Alice in Wonderland type place. The tree was huge and I was looking around underneath it. It was in the middle of a walkway to a house. It was raised so you could sit underneath it. There were benches on either side and a strand of lights with blue and green fairies on it in the tree. I was in awe of the magnificent tree. It was so vivid, so were the lights. I went over and touched them and studied them for a moment. I was saying to myself, I'm going to come here and sing my songs under this tree. I'm sure the owner of the house won't mind.

Mew was with me! (she was almost always in my dreams er...ah...travels when she was alive on earth. I'm so glad to have her as a traveling companion again!) She, being the naughty girl she is, snuck into the house where there was another cat. I thought for certain that she would get into a fight, but when I called her, she came right out. I halfway fell into a swimming pool on the side of the house as I was calling her, but I managed to pull myself out.

Next thing I knew I was sitting with Kurls by the side of the house. She had long dark brown hair and was dressed in like an 18 century dress. It was a shiney navy taffeta thing. She didn't look at all like her self on earth physically. she was cute though. Very girly. I have no idea what I looked like. I told her that something had called me down from the mountain and I asked her if she knew what it was. She told me that she and her boyfriend had done a banishing ritual on me, so that she would forget about me. I yelled at her (not in a mean way) saying, "That's what did it! Don't you know what you RESIST PERSISTS!"
I told her that I wanted her to come back with me to the mountains and live near me and my husband. But, she became angry and then we both started sobbing. It was so awful. I haven't felt that much emotion in a looooong time. I have had that happen in dreamtime experiences before with both Kurls and a couple of different guy friends...the intense sobbing. I woke up during the sobbing thinking, Good God no wonder I've been so exhausted. All this has been going on somewhere else! And I guess we'll always love eachother this intensly! I felt completely refreshed.

There are a few people(5?) that I've dreamt of or experienced as having other relationships with in different time periods or different dimensions. Interesting to note that kurls is the only gal and the only one to continue a friendship with me here...and my brother of course. Though sometimes it's like pulling teeth with him!

When I told Kurls of the dream experience she said, "Of course Mew was there and of course, we live a parallel life in Narnia with unicorns!". That's why I love her!

MUSIC - From a Whisper to a Scream!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

It's truly amazing how music can transport a person from the depths of despair to the heights of ecstacy within seconds.

I was feeling so physically ill today.. So out of it and knowing that thinking and feeling such things is showing me how out of alignment I am with myself and the things I desire. Then, my best buddy Kurls sends me a link to all of this beautiful music from the 80s! I know that every generation thinks that their music was the best. But honestly, something happened in the 80s. Music transformed beyond what had gone before. I don't see that happening now. I see it cycling back around because there's nothing NEW. I am sooo glad that I could experience a lot of it first hand in the fabulous industrial city of Chicago!
Damn, it totally changed my energy from zero to the speed of a hummingbirds wings!

When I hear this music. I KNOW who I am. There is no doubt in my mind as to who I am and the power I posses. I feel truly alive, understood and in Love with the world. My wish is to feel this strength, Love and certainty continuously throughout the remainder of my experience on this planet.

(Sigh) And I sooooo miss those pretty-girly-industrial-goth boys. There were straight ones then...or at least straight for the most part!

Whisper To A Scream (Birds Fly) - Icicle Works

Love comes, down upon us
Till you flow like water
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered, look they're coveredwith a bright elation,
Stolen, in the sight of love

We are, we are,we are but your children,
Finding our way around indecision
We are, we arewe are ever helpless,
Take us forever,A whisper to a scream

Birds fly, in the eyeof the faithless daughter,
Broken, at the bitter end
Wasted, sacrificed for a new Nirvana
Night time, sends us on our way

We are, we are,we are but your children,
Finding our way around indecision,
We are, we arewe are ever helpless,
Take us forever,
A whisper to a scream

In the Flow of the Stream of Divine Operation.

Literally, 5 minutes after my last blog about the cup dream I decided to continue reading a book I had set aside for a few days. It's called Your Invisible Power By Genevieve Behrend.

Here is a paragraph that inspired her from the book The Dore Lectures by T. Troward with her remarks afterward:

"'My mind is a center of Divine operation. The Divine operation is always for expansion and fuller expression, and this means the production of something beyond what has gone before, something entirely new, not included in the past experience, though proceeding out of it by an orderly sequence or growth. Therefore, since the Divine cannot change its inherent nature, it must operate in the same manner with me; consequently, in my own special world, of which I am the center, it will move forward to produce new conditions, always in advance of any that have gone before.'

The paragraph inspired me with deep interest to feel that the life-spark in me could bring into my life something entirely new. I did not wish to obliterate my past experience, but that was exactly what Troward said it would not do. The Divine operation would not exclude my past experience, but proceeding out of it would bring some new things that would transcend anything that I had ever experienced before."

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Hallelujah! My subconscious was preparing me for this concept! Just one day before. How bizarre! Clearly, I have picked up on the scent. Weeeee! I truly enjoy this kinda work.

P.S. My boss paid to watch The Secret again today at work!

I am surrounded by beautiful loving people! <3

I RECEIVE Love easily and joyfully.

My Cup...

Yesterday, I dreamt that I was in an ice cream parlour. This cutie, who I have a crush on, was tending the soda fountain. I had a cup with soda in it and I realized that it was cracked. I asked him for a new cup. He told me that he couldn't get me a new cup because his hands were dirty. He said he could help me in another way. He wanted me to turn around and do something like put my hands behind my back. I didn't understand what he was asking me to do so I said, "Oh, that's okay". I was irritated that he couldn't give me another cup like the one I had. Then he said, I can give you a white chocolate cherry cup". (Yummy!) But, I said, "No, that's okay" and so I just stood there holding my broken plastic cup together trying to keep the liquid from spilling.

I woke up thinking Why the heck didn't I take the white chocolate cherry cup?!!! That sounds good! Heck, even better than what I had. I guess the dream was showing me that I wanted what I wanted and couldn't grasp the idea of something better or different. Hmm... Do I have a problem receiving or what? Dang it! Next time I'm taking the white chocolate cherry cup!

I receive Love easily and effortlessly!

The Challenge of Compassion

Thursday, June 15, 2006

"Compassion is only compassion when it's applied to everyone. If it's applied selectively, then it just becomes judgment and hurts more than it helps."

The Secret

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Wow!

If you liked What The Bleep Do We Know? You'll love The Secret.
I've been studying this stuff for a few years now and there are certain books or movies that take me to a new level of understanding. I'm not sure if it's a repetition thing or what. But after watching The Secret,I KNOW things on a deeper level now, if that makes any sense.

I'm begining to UNDERSTAND a lot of things. Not just about the Universe, but about why I'm here.

I've been complaining to Kurls that I feel I have no use, no purpose in this life. And looky here, a quote from the movie. "You have no purpose, other than the purpose you decide. Your mission is the mission you give yourself".
Goodness, it really is a school and so far, I've kinda sucked at it. But I won't place my FOCUS there. After all, I am getting the information I need.

I was going to watch this movie when it first came out in April, but I waited and then the link got lost in my email. Today, I came into work and my boss, told me about a movie I just had to watch today. The Secret. We actually sat at work and watched the movie. How cool was that? One of her daughters sent it to her. I guess it was free on Yahoo for a day or two, but By the time I went to watch it, the link was down. I went to the website and paid a whopping $4.95 to watch it on full screen.

Do it. Do it. Unless of course you have no desire to take responsibility for your life. And you have no desire to lead a life of joyful abundance. And you'd like to blame fate on everything you are in this present moment.
Do it. Do it. This is our evolution! To do, have, and be exactly what we wish.

http://thesecret.tv/home.html

I love YOU!

I am surrounded by beautiful loving people!
(No, I'm not smokin' anything!)

Loving Affirmations

Whatever it takes ;)!

I am a radiant being filled with light and love

I am attracting loving, beautiful people into my life

I am the center of Divine love

I am attracting loving relationships into my life

I love and approve of myself

As I give love, I instantly receive love

The music of love and creativity flow through me now

(sigh) Whatever it takes.

Currently listening : Relaxing Celtic

Getting over the hump

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Boy, some things are a lot tougher than you think! Like, sitting with myself without anything to slow the thoughts except focused deep breathing. It's like riding out a bad trip.

Deep breathing alone alters one's state of consciousness. Most of the time I've been too lazy to simply breath deep. "Hey God (the Source, whatever you wanna call it), put the most potent drug of all right infront of our faces. Heck, why not make it the very thing we need to survive!" So ironic isn't it?
I don't know why I've chosen this time. Perhaps it has chosen me. (brew ha ha ha)

The scariest thing is that I realize my mind can go further on it's own....further than I ever would have imagined. Hmm...maybe that was the whole reason for stunting myself...Certainly not wanting to FEEl too much or actually having to process emotion. It seems easier to stuff it all down or deny it. But someday da bitch is gonna blow!

Yes, there are more important things in this world and more important work to be done than indulging in self-loathing and self-destructive behavior under the guise of assisted enlightenment. Some things just aren't up to you or me. Regardless of the concept of free will. Which brings me to another revelation...the fact that there's no need to obsess about searching for The Truth. Because, The Truth is searching for you and it will find you and bitch slap you awake from your slumber. "Just 5 more minutes!"
Snooze...Snooze....Lord knows I love that snooze button (Kurls too! ;)) We all have to wake up someday. Times up. For me anyway.
AHHHHHHH! Saturn!

P.S. The moral delimma is comming to a close. Like I said, I've stood my ground, been heard and no matter what happens it's all gonna be okay. Because, I can feel it in my gut. I've done the right thing. There was no other option this time.

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Damn this is some CHALLENGING work to say the least. Did I really volunteer for this? Somebody slap me!

Madonna's Bedroom and Another Random Dream

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I've actually dreamt about Madge a few times. This time I was in her bedroom. It was like a palace with crystal chandeliers and lotsa bling. She wasn't there, unfortunately. There was a beautiful light blue gown thrown over a chair. It was chiffon over taffeta with all of these crystal beads. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

Next I saw all of these platform shoes. They were the new cloth style with the ropey platform. They were like 4-6 inches tall. I thought, Damn, those are some high platforms! The end.

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This morning I dreamt of a boy that I was working in a restaurant (Lord forbid!) waiting tables. He kept hanging all over me infront of customers and stuff. I thought he was actually too young for me (believe it or not!). Then, it turned out that he had been gay lovers with a fellow I went to grade school and junior high with. They were lovers while the classmate was in prison! I haven't thought of this person in over 20 years! The classmate is not someone I would think of as ever being gay. I can't imagine him in prision either. His family owned a big farm and he was a nice kid. I wasn't super close. But it's hard not to be close to classmates in a class that only has about 60 students total. Heck, maybe he did become gay.

The really odd thing ,that I have yet to figure out, is why are some people in my dreams people I know and some people are completely new? This guy had no physical or emotional characteristics of anyone I know. He had like his own essence as a few of my dream folks have had. That just freaks me out. I feel like they're real people somewhere...in a parallel existence perhaps! LOL.

An Omen and Addiction

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Some time this morning before waking, my mind reached up into that collective unconscious (yes, that thing again!) and came back with an urgent feeling. Something I had pushed into the back of my head suddenly came rushing forward. I KNEW something was going to go down today with regard to that which I had pushed back into the dark recess of my mind.
I was relieved that it was cool and overcast and didn't give a rats ass about the fact that it is 6606 (Come on! The antichrist is giving that kind of power to a number!)So I went about my day nervous and apprehensive and around 1pm...BAM! Oops there it was... The Omen. The confirmation of the feeling and the fact that I have put myself in a compromising situation and must get out before it's too late. For as self-loving and intelligent as I think I am, I totally allowed myself to be manipulated, played and lied to. Clearly, I've more work to do.

I am pleased with myself for giving myself the heads up on this situation. At least I'm coming through for myself in some way.

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So this brings me to why in the hell I am so tapped in right now. The thing is that as I look back and chart my activity...It's the most active when I have no vice to numb my feelings. I thought it was seasonal, but...nice thought. I think a lot of folk have vices just to interrupt the flow of information. It's too much sometimes. But today, it may have saved me from "total loss of self".

I've mentioned before that almost every morning I read a quote from the companion book to Seat of the Soul. Well, most days, no matter how much I try to turn to another page. I get this quote...

Okay, I turned to that page for 7 days in a row! Do you think I can find it now? I've been looking for 20 minutes! It says something like...

"Your addiction is no stronger than you. It is no stronger than the person you desire to be".

Here's two more:

"The greater the desire of your soul to heal your addiction, the greater will be the cost of keeping it".

"If your addiction lingers, ask yourself if you really want to release it, because in your heart you do not."

Well, beeatch. I'm releasing all of my addictions NOW (except coffee. Come on! A gals gotta have 1 vice!)

I think this "situation" and vice are tied in. I really had no idea how disrespecful I was being to myself. That's an addiction in and of itself. And fear. How embarrassing to admit!

Okay, "imagine yourself as a white ball of healing light...And you open the door and you step inside...where inside our hearts..."

Lucid Dream Alert!

Monday, June 05, 2006

I was in a place that was like a big party. There were lots of people around. There were bars and this entire outside area too. It was like an entire village, or a block party!(LOL) I suddenly realized I was dreaming. I said to a gal infront of me, "Hey, we're in a dream". She looked at me in disbelief. I said, "Watch, I'll put my hand through you." But, it didn't work. She looked at me like I was crazy. So, I went up to another person and waved my hand through him and it worked! Then another part of me took over. I knew there was someone I wanted to find so I scanned the room and saw a man who I knew was the one who might be able to lead me to him. He had a different vibe. He was more real or more alert. Most of the folk were oblivious to the dream, but he knew what was going on. He was tall and thin with a bald head. Kinda scary looking.
So, I walked up to him and asked him if he knew so-and-so (no, not l.b. Okay I have to stop with that...forgiveness... I now embody forgiveness.). To my surprise he said, "yes". I asked him to get him for me. He walked away and then the one I asked for walked out(I'm not sure why I picked him.). I was stunned that all I had to do was ask. I looked at him real close to make sure he wasn't just your average dream character. He was kind of dazed and out of it. He's features were right on. He had on a bright royal blue shirt (2nd time I've dreamed of a guy wearing blue)and jeans. I was thinking what a bright blue shirt it was. That's the only color of clothing I remember seeing in the entire dream. Except the woman I tried to put my arm through. Her shirt was purple.

We walked around together hand in hand. I can't remember much of our conversation (damn it!). I did tell him that I enjoyed his company and wanted to be friends. He said something like, no one wears another's ribbons. Whatever the hell that meant. AT the time I though it was about no one belonging to a single individual. Something like that. But now that doesn't seem right. I don't think I'm remembering the wording correctly. Maybe it was like military ribbons...I don't know...

Then we were separated in a crowd of people and I was walking around calling his name and asking people if they had seen him. All the while thinking to myself, Wow, I can't believe how conscious I still am.

I became tired of looking for him and realized that if he wanted to find me, he would.

That was it for the lucid dream. I really need to have a better plan when I wake up in a dream. Seeing the fellow was fine, but I don't know, I think there's more I could do and why didn't I leave the party?

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Next I fell into a dream where I had long red hair. But, my bangs were too long and kept getting in my eyes. Then it turned out that I had a wig on. (don't like that symbolism!) My real hair was still red, but a darker red.

Hmm... Weird day today. Definitely getting the weird vibe...

Are you talkin' to me?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Oh my gawd. I loooove synchronisities. I was having a conversation with an un-named person in the mirror. Then I realized how absurd it was. I started making fun of myself and kept saying, "Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to ME?" I was killing myself. Then I mosied into my bedroom still chuckling to myself and read my horoscope for the week! LOL!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Many Leos are falling in love now, and I'm not sure why. One thing is certain: next year is a shoo-in for wonderful love affairs and romance. Major vacations are likely then as well. So what's happening now? I figure Leos are priming the pump. (Testing parts to see if they're still working.) Mars is now in Leo for the next seven weeks and Mars is a sexy planet! It heightens your aggression, your energy, your libido and your sexy allure. It gives you lots of energy and makes you much more of a fighter for your rights. In the next two months -- your individuality matters. Oh yeah! ("Are you talkin' to me?") This is a very positive time in your life. (Deliveries of flowers and chocolates not accepted before noon.)

So... Are you talkin' to me?!!!

P.S. "Falling in love" = Bite me! (no bitterness here)"Heightened libido" = the LAST thing I need! Yeah, thanks Mars!

http://www.georgianicols.com/weekly/

One of the worst things...

in the world is being depressed and being WIDE AWAKE with NO VICE! There's no sleeping it off this time. Damn you Mars (Mars has moved into Leo). The nerrrrrrrve!

Umm, excuse me but I'm done now. I'm ready to go home...

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When I was in college, or so many years ago, a friend of mine had a sister who slept ALL the time. Seriously. She was only up for about 8 hours a day. You see, she believed that her dream world was the real world and this "waking world" was a hellish nightmare. She opted to spend most of her time frolicking in dreamland. I thought she was a bit off and maybe in need of some medication. But, of course like all things I've judged it has come home to roost. I totally understand now. There is so much beauty in dreamland. It makes "waking" life unbearable. Those who don't dream, maybe you're lucky. Why I was ever awaken from my peaceful ignorant slumber I have no idea. Being "awake" is quite useless really.

New Dream Lover

Wow, I had an interesting dream this morning. I kind of don't know what to think except that my dream world is so much more interesting than this "waking" world.

I was out-of-body. Just my consciousness was floating around in a room. I could hear voices coming from the next room. I heard a boy's voice. He said something like, "I will always be your friend. You don't have to worry. No matter what our relationship, I will always be there for you. In fact, you'll probably get sick of me!".

I floated into the next room to see who was talking and it was a fellow and me! Next I was in my body in the room. This guy and I were lovers. He was sweet and kind. We were kissing and giggling like kids. He was laying on top of me and I took his face in my hands and said, "let me look at your face. I want to remember what you look like so that I will recognize you when I see you down there." He sat up on top of me and I looked into his eyes and at first I was startled because they were black pools. But then his face morphed and he looked like, God help me, a fellow I see on occassion. A striking resemblance at least. I even thought that right there, Oh he looks like so-and-so.

The interesting thing is that I was thinking his eyes are a different color. But really, he didn't have eyes. I know it sounds scary and all, but it wasn't. It was that I could see right into his soul. He didn't have whites to his eyes, it was just an open window to his soul. He was beautiful.

Then we giggled again and kissed again. He turned sideways and when I saw his profile, he looked completely different. In fact he looked of a different ethnicity. Kind of indian like. He had tan skin. (I realize that "profile" could be taken as symbolic. Especially as I blog on MySpace.)

So then we got up and he picked me up and was carrying me into the bedroom. He had tears in his eyes. They weren't sorrowful tears or anything. The last thing I remember was thinking how lucky I was to have such loving male energy as a friend and lover. I kissed him several times.

Then my alarm went off (damn it!)and I thought I woke up. I was trying to turn it off but it wouldn't shut off. Then I really woke up and turned off my alarm. I laid there for a minute thinking, that was nice. And If he is who he resembled, I'm gonna kick his ass when we get back to the other side for not keeping his word! LOL.

I love dreams like that, because they are different. I was somewhat conscious and it felt as if it was really taking place.

(Sigh)Who was that sweet soul and where is he?! Damn it!

True Love <3

Thursday, June 01, 2006

"All humanity should walk the path of love. True peace and a world of joy cannot be realized without love. Happiness is the same. Can you feel happiness alone? You can only feel true happiness when you are able to have a reciprocal relationship of love with another.

Freedom is the same. You cannot experience freedom alone; it can only be achieved through love and within love. You don't feel tired in the place of true love. No matter how exhausted you are, if you are intoxicated with love and you burst into tears out of love then your tiredness will suddenly disappear. When you feel true love you don't feel hungry or tired. Also you do not feel afraid of death."

I've been thinkin' about the concept of True Love. I always tend to think of True Love as something between a couple. Two people. The more I've been reading about the different ideas of True Love the more I see that True Love is much more than Love between two individuals. It is love for all people and all of life.
Supposedly we should love everyone the same and have no favorites. That one I kind of have a hard time with. I can love everyone, but there are still those who I'm not going to want to be around as much. You know? There will always be folks who's company I enjoy more.

True Love seems impossible on this earth. People love (or think they do) very selfishly. I have in the past. That's not love. Only giving love to your significant other and if things go wrong... hating the rest of the world isn't True Love. Loving someone regardless of their relationship to you is True Love. Even if they reject your friendship and Love. Hmm... so much to learn I'm exhausted.

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I am exhausted. I've been touching a lot of people at work lately (6-8 a day). It should be invigorating. I must be doing something wrong or taking on too much of their stuff. I feel drained. It takes discipline to clear my mind everytime and hold a space (hee hee) for them. But I know that when I lay my hands on another person that I am on sacred ground. I take it very seriously. Touch is one of the most powerful things we posses.

I have to constantly talk people down and reassure and educate. I've become an expert at dealing with bitchy 20 year old gals. (No offense to any of my 20 yr old pals!) It's all insecurity and lack of humility. They think they own the world. I know what's in store for them so I feel for them. Sincerely. I really do. Just wait until your late 20's. Then there's the early 30's. Then...
So I am compassionate and understanding with their terse attitudes and snappy remarks. Aren't they lucky? They leave happy.

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I was able to practice compassion the other day at Ralph's. A gal was holding up the line having a clerk run around for her looking for some champaigne. She was all, "Thanks hon". She was being overtly sexual and flirty. At first I was like, Bitch, no one cares. Then I didn't like the way that felt, so I started thinking about what would evoke that type of behavior. Well, ego for one. And ego is very painful. Her ego needed to be the center of attention. She needed to stand out from the rest because she needed others to see that she was special. I started to feel sorry for her. And then a strange thing happened. The woman infront of me turned around and smiled at me a knowing smile. Not mean. Not bitchy. Just a knowing smile. It was compassionate. Suddenly, the gal who was holding up the line transformed right before my eyes. She became really quiet and really somber. All of that energy she was giving off completely imploded on her. It was so bizarre to watch. Then I felt for her even more, because I was right.

That was practicing True Love in a way. Not necessarily judging her, but knowing her behavior. How do I know it? Because I've been there. It's not a pretty place.

The facinating thing is that when we (the collective line) didn't give her the energy that she wanted (jealousy, anger, contempt) she changed. Simply facinating...

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Damn, my client is 30 minutes early! I hate that! Okay...I'm finding my joyful compassionate place...

Happy Memorial Day

Monday, May 29, 2006

Yeah, my first offical day off since Easter! Woo Woo. I slept in until 9:30am and then woke up with a headache. I didn't leave the apartment, except to go to the gym.

I was thinkin' about the concept of Memorial Day and how it's all about the 3 day weekend. I started thinking about how I "forget" that a lot of the men in my family are ex-military. My Grandpa Chambers (r.i.p) My dad and almost all of my uncles.

Grandpa Chambers stands out the most to me as a military man. He was Air Force (Yes, it is too military...don't me a snob! You know who you are.) Anyway, the last year of his life he travelled the U.S. saying goodbye to all of his family. He stopped in San Diego to say goodbye to my uncle Bob and myself. (Uncle Bob = Vietnam vet. Wounded in action, discharged then returned to Vietnam to save his little brother, my uncle Jerry, from having to go. God Bless Uncle Bob.)

The main thing my grandfather wanted us to know was his part in the Aluetian War. "The Forgotten Battle". The Japanese really did almost occupy American soil! Who knew? It's not really talked about. I only know because my grandfather decided to tell me the last year of his life. He had never talked about his Air Force days before. Ever.

I bring him up, because he wanted to be remembered for contributing something to the bigger picture. He was so proud to have served his country. I'm still not sure why he waited so long to share his story. But, I'm glad he did.
I also think about the number of Marines we are losing everyday in Iraq. I see the numbers in the paper daily. "Oh, 4 more. Oh 6 today". I honestly, do go there and think about the families and the young lives lost.
Of course I'm against war. Who isn't? Besides, the obvious. But, living is San Diego, you can't avoid the military. I have a friend who's a Chief in the Navy. Several clients who are Navy and Marine Officers and my fabulous new roomie who is a Nurse in the Navy and who will be leaving for Iraq in August/September. She volunteered to go with purpose. She'll be taking care of the Marines over there. They'll be in good hands.

So I'm thinking about our brothers and sisters who have served and are currently serving our country.

Thank you.

Info on the Aleutian War

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_War_II:_Aleutian_Islands

http://www.explorenorth.com/library/military/aleutian_war-usarmy.html

A few revelations

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Revelation #1 When you operate from a place of True Love, nothing can harm you. I want to live this. I really want to be able to love people as they are not for what they can or cannot give me. It's a reocurring theme. It keeps coming back around for me and I just can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to be hurt or jealous or angry. I don't want to want something from someone that they cannot give me. Be it friendship or love. I no longer want to take rejection personally. I just want to accept people as they are and allow them to be right were they are supposed to be in their evolutionary process. I really really need to live it now. I can't carry the burden any longer.

Revelation #2 A solid foundation must first slowly be built in order to have a quality lasting relationship. Trust must slowly be built through experiencing the relationship. I truly desire patience. I want to be able to allow something to unfold instead of rushing in and destroying it. Or throwing a fit if it's not in a time frame that I deem acceptable. I haven't figured out why I don't have more patience. Maybe it's that I'm still believing in the illusions of separation and linear time. Perhaps I simply lack faith.

Revelation #3 I still feel I am not good enough or deserving enough for certain things that are rightfully mine...

Revelation #4 The secret to life is humor. The ability to laugh at the obsurdity of it all. Especially myself being the dramatic Leo that I am.

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I had a nice dream last night. I was watching a handsome guy playing piano and singing when suddenly, he started singing one of the songs I've written. I was shocked. He smiled at me. I knew that he must've gone through all of my dozens of tapes to find that song.

The song is about the mythology of the Hero's journey. But in the song he's not coming home a hero or a millionaire or anything of the like. He did not conquer the outside world, because he has yet to conquer himself. Of course, he has a will which has a way...

I was listening to him sing and play and he did a better job than me. The interesting part is that I wasn't jealous that he could sing my song better than me. I was just glad that he could relate to it and felt the need to channel it. Oh, and at the end of the song he said, "that was U2". I was like, No, that was me, I wrote the song. But I'm sure he meant you too!

That was it for the dream. I don't think I've ever dreamed of my songs after they've been written. Hmm... and who was that cute guy singin' my song?

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I had sleep paralysis when I was trying to wake up from my nap the other day. I hate that! I thought I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. I was trying everything to will myself awake. I even tried to get up. Sometimes you can trigger an OBE from sleep paralysis. I was too far gone. Finally I gasped awake. I really had to use my will to do it. I suppose it was a good exercise. I felt like I had been drugged and was trying to fight it off. Awful.

The night before last I dreamt I was going to open a door and some girl reached for it too and when I got it first she said, "Fuck you". I then proceeded to threaten her and smack her face. I told her, "You can't talk to people that way and expect them to just ignore your rudeness." Two of her friends came up and I was ready to take them on too. I was going to kick all their asses. So glad I could embody compassionate understanding! I guess I'm finally getting to the point where I won't have to prove that I can kick someones ass. I can just step away from the situation. because, I felt awful after smacking her and threatening her. I knew I could kick all their butts, so why did I chose to go to the darkside with them?

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More on dem crows
Ever since the crow dream, crow activity has increased outside near my balcony. Thank goodness, my roommate was there to witness some of it.
We were out on the balcony when the crows started cawing like crazy and then other birds began screaming too. Suddenly two crows flew, screatching right at us. Each one was beng chased by a mourning dove. They came right towards us but then turn at the last minute. They may have been after the mourning dove nestlings or something. It was pretty intense. Then the one crow came back and was sitting in a tree cawing like crazy for about 10 minutes!

I watched the crows today stalking the hummingbird tree. Bad crows. Don't go after the babies! I don't like knowing that the crows are such a nuisance to other birds by going after their young. Must research positive crow medicine!

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Later... Wow, just what I have been writing about! Also, note in the Hero song, He's losing all sense of magic in the air.

Show me the magic!

Keeper of the Sacred Law
Crows are the keepers of the Sacred Lawand to have a Crow totem is very powerful.

Personal Integrity are your watchwordsand your guide in Life.If you have a Crow totem, your prime path is to be mindful of your opinions and actions.You must be willing to walk your talk,to speak your truth and to know your life's mission.

Crow is a omen of Change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time,therefore, it sees past, present and future simultaneously.Crow merges both light and dark, both inner and outer.It is the totem of the Great Spiritand must be respected as such.

They are symbols of creation and spiritual strength.Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life.Crows are messengers calling to us about the creation and magic that is alive in the world todayand available to us.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/crow.htm

Caw Caw!

A few revelations

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Revelation #1 When you operate from a place of True Love, nothing can harm you. I want to live this. I really want to be able to love people as they are not for what they can or cannot give me. It's a reocurring theme. It keeps coming back around for me and I just can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to be hurt or jealous or angry. I don't want to want something from someone that they cannot give me. Be it friendship or love. I no longer want to take rejection personally. I just want to accept people as they are and allow them to be right were they are supposed to be in their evolutionary process. I really really need to live it now. I can't carry the burden any longer.

Revelation #2 A solid foundation must first slowly be built in order to have a quality lasting relationship. Trust must slowly be built through experiencing the relationship. I truly desire patience. I want to be able to allow something to unfold instead of rushing in and destroying it. Or throwing a fit if it's not in a time frame that I deem acceptable. I haven't figured out why I don't have more patience. Maybe it's that I'm still believing in the illusions of separation and linear time. Perhaps I simply lack faith.

Revelation #3 I still feel I am not good enough or deserving enough for certain things that are rightfully mine...

Revelation #4 The secret to life is humor. The ability to laugh at the obsurdity of it all. Especially myself being the dramatic Leo that I am.

----------------------------
I had a nice dream last night. I was watching a handsome guy playing piano and singing when suddenly, he started singing one of the songs I've written. I was shocked. He smiled at me. I knew that he must've gone through all of my dozens of tapes to find that song.

The song is about the mythology of the Hero's journey. But in the song he's not coming home a hero or a millionaire or anything of the like. He did not conquer the outside world, because he has yet to conquer himself. Of course, he has a will which has a way...

I was listening to him sing and play and he did a better job than me. The interesting part is that I wasn't jealous that he could sing my song better than me. I was just glad that he could relate to it and felt the need to channel it. Oh, and at the end of the song he said, "that was U2". I was like, No, that was me, I wrote the song. But I'm sure he meant you too!

That was it for the dream. I don't think I've ever dreamed of my songs after they've been written. Hmm... and who was that cute guy singin' my song?

--------------------
I had sleep paralysis when I was trying to wake up from my nap the other day. I hate that! I thought I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. I was trying everything to will myself awake. I even tried to get up. Sometimes you can trigger an OBE from sleep paralysis. I was too far gone. Finally I gasped awake. I really had to use my will to do it. I suppose it was a good exercise. I felt like I had been drugged and was trying to fight it off. Awful.

The night before last I dreamt I was going to open a door and some girl reached for it too and when I got it first she said, "Fuck you". I then proceeded to threaten her and smack her face. I told her, "You can't talk to people that way and expect them to just ignore your rudeness." Two of her friends came up and I was ready to take them on too. I was going to kick all their asses. So glad I could embody compassionate understanding! I guess I'm finally getting to the point where I won't have to prove that I can kick someones ass. I can just step away from the situation. because, I felt awful after smacking her and threatening her. I knew I could kick all their butts, so why did I chose to go to the darkside with them?

---------------------
More on dem crows
Ever since the crow dream, crow activity has increased outside near my balcony. Thank goodness, my roommate was there to witness some of it.
We were out on the balcony when the crows started cawing like crazy and then other birds began screaming too. Suddenly two crows flew, screatching right at us. Each one was beng chased by a mourning dove. They came right towards us but then turn at the last minute. They may have been after the mourning dove nestlings or something. It was pretty intense. Then the one crow came back and was sitting in a tree cawing like crazy for about 10 minutes!

I watched the crows today stalking the hummingbird tree. Bad crows. Don't go after the babies! I don't like knowing that the crows are such a nuisance to other birds by going after their young. Must research positive crow medicine!

---------------
Later... Wow, just what I have been writing about! Also, note in the Hero song, He's losing all sense of magic in the air.

Show me the magic!

Keeper of the Sacred Law
Crows are the keepers of the Sacred Lawand to have a Crow totem is very powerful.

Personal Integrity are your watchwordsand your guide in Life.If you have a Crow totem, your prime path is to be mindful of your opinions and actions.You must be willing to walk your talk,to speak your truth and to know your life's mission.

Crow is a omen of Change. Crow lives in the void and has no sense of time,therefore, it sees past, present and future simultaneously.Crow merges both light and dark, both inner and outer.It is the totem of the Great Spiritand must be respected as such.

They are symbols of creation and spiritual strength.Look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life.Crows are messengers calling to us about the creation and magic that is alive in the world todayand available to us.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/crow.htm

Caw Caw!

Light creatures in my room

I snapped awake around 4am and found myself staring at two vibrating light things. They were about 4 feet tall and two feet wide, hovering in space to the left of my bed. They weren't bright or anything and they quickly faded. I jumped up and went straight to the bathroom trying to talk myself down.
I don't understand why I was scared. Everytime something like this has happened (3-4 times now in this apartment) I am terrified and blink it away. I'm beginning to think that the physical eyes and brain can't handle seeing such things. I've only seen spirits twice with my physical eyes and they appeared as smoke hovering in space. I blinked those puppies away too. I was like, I'm not seeing this. I'm not seeing this. All other experiences like the loving entities have been when I was having an out-of-body experience or in a trance-like state. Maybe it's a brainwave thing, Theta state.

In the book Love Song of the Universe. Mary's afraid the first time she sees a light being, but it sends her loving energy to calm her. Where was mine? Okaaaay.

I have had a rush of emotion lately. I could barely control it Friday. I had to go to the gym to work it out. It was like being on a bad trip. I had to focus on deep breathing, drinks lots of water and WILL myself through it.
I've read that hormone levels have nothing to do with OBEs. That's bullshit. I have more OBEs and psychic activity when I'm in a heightened emotional state. It's like the nervous system goes nuts and shuts down the logical mind heightening the intuitive senses.

Anyway, I don't feel so good. I'm going to take a nap. Maybe I'll get lucky and have an OBE! Wish me luck!

She said I was so close...

...so close to finding you and that if I could just let go and not be afraid, it would happen. She also said I was a kind, compassionate and loving soul with a beautiful aura. I didn't believe her. I didn't believe that I was as kind and loving as she said. But I knew that she was right about being so close to finding you... I think I'm going to be sick.

A letter of insignificance.

Dear you-probably-have-no-idea-but-you-do,

I am so sorry that I am a freak to you sometimes. I am quite certain you don't deserve it. It's just that you remind me of someone. And, sometimes I swear I catch a glimpse of him in your eyes. And also, I can feel your thoughts. I know you read mine. I can feel you doing it. Time stands still and then you giggle like a sweet little boy.

We've met before. I immediately recognized you and I know you did me because of your nervousness and inability to maintain eye contact without conscious effort. I did notice the times when you turned red with emotion and had difficulting breathing. And I did see the panic flash in your eyes it's not me!

You are a beautiful creature with a loving soul. I wish you much peace, love and happiness. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your soul and agreeing to work with me... I am truly grateful.

Thinkin' about them crows

Friday, May 26, 2006

Yeah, I've been thinking about them crows. I Think I have it. Those crows are reminding me of my lovely family heritage. The crow/ravine medicine. I want to deny the darkness that sometimes overshadows my loved ones and I but the crows are like, Excuse us... Hello? Who do you think raised you? Have you no gratitude?

It's the whole Persephone thing. The Underworld. (Brew ha ha ha). There is definitly beauty there, but a lot of sorrow too. (shiver)

Lately I've been down with the sweet sweet hummingbirds and don't want to leave the surger. No. But I know the crows have purpose. Last week one landed on a tree about 100 feet from me. It looked at me and cawed directly into my face. I could feel the sound vibration as it travelled through the air. I laughed. I think he was laughing back.

I was surprised by the lack of shrill. Maybe it was a raven, since they are deeper and throatier. But it wasn't realy deep. Anyway, I guess I should befriend the crows. Become reaquainted or something. There are at least two that live in one of the pines out back. Not the hummingbird pine. No crows allowed there.
Gawd, I was just thinking of San Francisco and those crows there. It's out of control. When I took some classes at S.F. City College all of the trees on campus were filled with crows. When they flew It was a dark cloud that took over the sky.

Kurls and I call SF Dark City. Because, it is. It's a rad city and I'm grateful for getting a chance to live there and have the experience, but beware. The underbelly...

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Now I'm having a revelation...

I have to KNOW beyond a doubt the beauty I have experienced. I know those loving entities exist somewhere. They exist! It is possible to experience love like that. I've been looking for them here, but ever so doubtful that I will find them. I think the loving essence can some how make it through. Maybe come through a person's spirit. Maybe we really are all that loving at our purest if only we'll tear down the walls and put down the weapons and the armour etc...
If that loving energy can't come through and at least stay for dinner, then what am I still doing here?

I just realized that they were both masculine energies. No girly angelic creatures. One was clearly a man and the other, well, I don't even think he had any goods, but I knew he was a male whatever he was.
I guess I'm working with the male energies... help.

Update on the fried chicken with Johnny

Wow, I was re-reading (why journaling dreams is a good idea!) the blog from a few days ago where I became lucid in a dream and was planning to meet God. I wrote: Yeah, I was gettin' ready to meet God, but then I chickened out.
Maybe that has something to do with Johnny throwing me the fried chicken. Hmm... Perhaps he was trying to help me out? I think Johnny represented my animus (in jungian psychology, the masculine aspect of a woman's soul - aka ODG) He has pretty boy good-looks like that. (Sigh) If only he would manifest in the outer world. Life would be perfect

3 Crows and Pretty Boy Depp

Good gawd, I had a dream with Johny Depp. I was on a picnic with him. He threw me a piece of fried chicken and I caught it. What the hell? I had a dream friend with me and Johnny threw the friend (can't remember if they were male or female) two pieces of chicken, but they missed both times. Odd no?
Then I dreamed of three birds in a tree. I don't remember what kind they were, but on the next branch over to the right were three huge crows! They were so vivid. The three of them were huddled together looking at me. Gulp. They didn't caw, thank goodness! I wasn't afraid of them, but when I saw them, I knew it was no longer a regular old dream and became some what lucid. They were much too vivid. Rut roh.

Dream symbol: crowcrow, crows, crowing, crowedInterpretation:A crow in a dream often serves as a messenger or indicator of imminent change in your lifeMystic powersDeath

Oh...check this one out...

if you see several crows on a tree: there will be a family reunion.
Dream symbol: ravenraven, ravensInterpretation:Being unafraid to enter the unknown in order to find your answers Summoning courage and strength to get through tough timesUnleashing the magician within Summoning your inner healing powersExposing your weaknesses

Oh my gawd... I'm thinking number 3 = the holy trinity. And here's Freud for ya...

Number three has in dreams symbolic meaning of man's sexual organ. All dream ideas which consist of three parts can mean the man's sexual organ
Here's another...

3 - three This number always has to do with commitment and as such it should be placed in the I Need column. It stands for mind, body and spirit and is a request to commit yourself, mind body and spirit, to improving yourself in the direction indicated in the dream. The number 3 will often appear in dreams about the heart as people who have closed off their heart to others often lack commitment. A triangle or pyramid also indicate commitment and request the dreamer to meditate on the subject matter of the dream.

I'd better get meditating.

I've come further along than I thought!

It's almost 1am on a school night. So what! I'm visiting my song creatures. I forgot how many I have. There are songs I've completely forgot about and they are crackin' me up.

I Don't remember how long it's been since anybody's bothered to ask how I've been. They just talk about who they know. Where they've been. Where they're going and who they blow. (Copyright 2002)

LOL I'm killin' myself. I have made progress! I actually have a couple of close friends who really not only ask me how I am but ask me to elaborate. Sometimes it's good to look back. And that gal's so much fun to sing. I've gotta pick out a new outfit for her. We'll see. They all need an updated wardrobe.

Weee this is fun. When I look at songs at separate entities they are a blast. But when I look at them from an ego perspective I guess I'm still too self-loathing to love them as an expression of my existence. Workin' on it!

I'm being stalked...

Thursday, May 25, 2006
\
By these songs that I have yet to finish. Yeah, it always starts off with a pain in my chest. Then it turns into a deep hole. I feeling sick and nervous and on the verge. Then, suddenly I'm singing and going, What? I won't even realize it. I'm like, girl, when did you sneak in?

I love the songs, but I feel sick because they are from a place that confuses me. It's a beautiful and perfect place, but it isn't this reality and that's that part that disturbs me. I sometimes get the two confused. So I have these beautiful stories but they are painful to sing because they aren't what's happening here. And I want this world to be as beautiful and perfect and together. I'm over the separation.

I have different relationships with people in my internal worlds. An enemy may be a lover and vice versa. Someone I pass on the street may be a good friend. It's hard to explain. At least I now know the difference...most of the time.

The songs tell me the story of the final separation. It's so painful to remember. Perhaps that's why most chose not to. I was shown this by guess who? The dream guy. Bastard. Show me then leave. I didn't want to remember, because I didn't want to have to feel it and relive it all over again. But, I know in my deepest depths that it's true.

We all have to remember sooner or later. We have to remember the last one, the most painful one in order to begin to merge back. Ouch.
I'm ready, just tell me what I have to do.

AHHH! The hummingbird just came up to the window at work and was hovering, staring at me! So sweet! Thanks for the sign lover!

Psychic dreams are a freakin' curse!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Because I never know when they will manifest!

Some times I think ignorance is bliss. I wish that I was either a full fledged psychic or had no ability at all. It's too confusing. I just saw a picture (that's what I get for trolling MySpace!) of a girl who I don't know have never met and have even never seen before. Except, that I had a dream about her over two years ago (I had a lot of psychic activity then). The dream was so disturbing that of course I remember every detail. In fact, when I get home tonight I'm going to pull out my dream journal from that era... On second thought, maybe not. It was the dark night shit. Why did I open the door?!!!

The person is with someone I used to know and I dreamt of them together. THAT's the scary part. Their relationship was extremely tramatic. It was awful to witness. Why in the hell would I be privy to someone elses pain and suffering in a relationship of which I play no part? How does it serve me or the source or the universe. How? And why did I have feel all of the awful emotions.... and why is it NOW that I stumble upon the external manifestation?

Lordy, I had so many intense dreams and experiences during that time. I hope none of the others manifest anytime soon. I'll be keeping to myself.
I feel like my mind betrays me with this shit. If there isn't an answer or a reason behind it, I don't want to experience it! Good God. I'm slamming that door. Freakin' Pandora!

That's it. I've learned my lesson. I promise. No more curiousity!

-----------------------
I think it may make sense as to why I've been having so many dreams about the ocean. Last night I dreamt I was in New York on a cruise ship that a friend of mine lived on. It seemed that was the new thing in N.Y., to live on cruise ships that just moved from port to port. (hmm...I'm picking up other sexual innuendos with that now.) But, I was frightened of the ocean. The vastness and what could be lurking beneath. Which in real life, I swear I'm not.

Ocean - It traditionally represents our great unconscious, memories, emotions and individual soul and collective experiences

Compassion... and more Humility... of course.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I always hear people saying, "you have to treat yourself well", etc.. Most of the time people take it too far the other way and become selfish and self-centered. But, I think I'm finally starting to get it. One of the things the psychic said to me was "Be more compassionate with yourself". That phrasing resonated with me a bit.

It's like Gary says, "we cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect". It's true. I cannot. Every time I fail, it's the end of the world. I'v ruined whatever it was and I'll never get another chance. That's nice, no? In reality, we have throughout all eternity to get it right. I know that, but still I chose to torture myself.

Oh well, at least I keep moving inward.

Speaking of, back to the angel thing. I think I really did meet one twice. I don't know if they were the same creature or not. I think the first time I met ODG he could've been an angel. An angel or an alien or some top secret military experimentation. LOL Take your pick. You think it would be a beautiful thing to meet such a creature, well, it is. But, the worst is that when they leave you, when the experience is over, you realize what you are without here and it's so difficult. I want to be in that Loving place forever. I didn't want to have to leave. But there is a plan, so they said...

(Okay, maybe I need to change the CD. Strings, I love them, but dang, they take me there every time...)

Maybe I can create that kind of Loving compassion within myself. It just seems like this world isn't made for it though. The creatures they didn't have anger or hate or greed. They had understanding. They also spoke telepathically. (When I was a kid, it irritated me that I had to open my mouth to talk. I didn't get how people could NOT be telepathic. It made no sense to me.) How they could sit there with me especially the one, while I was drenched in self-loathing and despair, the other, I was like a little girl with. I just Loved him so much. I knew him. They both sat/stood there loving me, waiting for me. They were the two most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

(Okay, I swear, I'm not hormonal. I wish I had that as an excuse! I'm just turning a corner and I don't know what's there.)

I'm feeling really humble today. Not humiliated. I could be if I chose to go there, but why? I know that all too well. I'm tired of hurting myself.
I had a thought about Mistress Vanity and Mistress Luxury. Vanity, she keeps me from the physical abuse and hard drugs for obvious reasons, and Luxury she says, "why not try the luxury of Self-Love. It's quite decadent. Once you have a taste, you'll be hooked." Hmm... Gimme some of that!

Curiouser and Curiouser...

Monday, May 22, 2006

Yep. That's where I'm at. Thank Goodness I'm a freak and I like that kinda stuff.

I had weird synchronistic events happen this weekend. Including the reoccuring theme of Angels. The oddest event occurring Sunday when a client grabbed my hands after her facial and began to do a reading for me. Free of charge of course. And she still tipped me! Woo Woo! Double Plus-Good.
She started out saying that she could see my whole life rolling by like a movie as I was working on her. That's nice. Of course, Kurls was like, "Did you ask her if it was a comedy?" I'm certain it's more like a dark comedy! But, no, I did not because it was an in the moment thing. The reading was very favorable. She said I had a beautiful aura (it was a good day for me!)and my chakras were really balanced except for (and she pointed to) the place between my solar plexus and my heart. That's nice. Tell me something I don't know. Then she went on to tell me some personal stuff. All good. She gave a 3 month time frame for events to unfold. Mommy!

-------------------------------
Ever since Friday after the gym, I've had this sick to my stomach feeling and the reading made it even worse. It's not a fear thing, more like an excitement thing. Not knowing what to expect. But knowing that somethings coming. Hell, the bitch is snowballing. That's all I know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually half-assed woke up in a dream this morning. I was in a car with a guy and girl. The guy was driving and decided to drive us off a cliff. Bastard. As we were plumbeting down toward the ocean, I said to myself, This is my cue. I'm in a dream. Then I said to the other dream characters, "Hey, were in a dream, let's fly outta here."

So, knowing I was in a dream, I knew all I had to do was will the car away and fly/hover whatever. I wondered what to do. Then it occurred to me that I should go meet God. So as the energy began to spin around me, I became frighted not knowing where I'd end up. What if God was underneath the depths of the sea or something? Scary. Needless to say, I freaked myself out just as I was shifting dimensions. Damn that fear. I'm gonna kick it's ass next time! What a dork. Yeah, I was gettin' ready to meet God, but then I chickened out. I think God is beyond my ability to comprehend as a human being anyway.
I must come up with a list of things to do for the next time I wake up in a dream. I've tried summoning Dream Guy, but he's only showed up twice when I've called out to him hundreds of times. The Little Bitch.

Before the guy drove us off the cliff, he was asking me about the house. It had just been painted and he was disappointed because he had written all over the walls. He was worried that it would be like he was never there. I told him that his writing was still there under the paint and that if the paint were ever rubbed off there you'd be able to see it. That seemed to please him.

---------------------------------------
Okay, so back to the angel thing. So Friday my horoscope said, "Everyone has an angel and you may be about to meet one in the most unlikely of places. Someone you least expect."

Forgetting about that I later was talking to someone who was reading a book on angels. He pointed out a couple of paragraphs to me...something about remembering the angel I have been and will always be. Something like that. But as I was reading it I was having trouble comprehending it. I had to re-read it several times.

So that was a little weird. But then Kurls sent me a link to some helpful household hints and the link had angel in the title. Then my dad posts a bulletin with a statement about an angel. Finally on Sunday after the reading, I go home and the Sunday scope says, "The angels are speaking to you now..." I was like, You go ahead. 'Cause I'm listening.

Oh what an interesting time awaits...

-------------------------
One more thing. The hummingbirds came to my feeder finally! For a week I watched that feeder to see if any of the little guys would show up for a snack. Finally, one showed up. He hovered right in front of me then shot up to the feeder, took a few sips and left. Another one came back two more times, but as soon as they saw me sitting there, they left. Damn it! I was like, Come baaaaaack!

I have to remember that they didn't use the one at work until we rescued the baby that was trapped. He turned into an adult male hummingbird (man-bird) and brought a friend back. Now, he'll snack infront of us. He'll even fly up to the window to say hi! It's sooooo sweet. Animal geek!

Invasion...I can't believe it's been cancelled!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It just figures that the only show I watch religiously is CANCELLED! Sure, I watch Lost, too. But sometimes when it's get stupid for a few episodes I'll miss a couple and check back in.

All of the alien invasion shows have been cancelled this year. Hmm...interesting, no?

I love the cast of Invasion. The actors are great. And the music of course makes the show! (sigh) I guess my Wednesday nights are freed up now. Screw Lost... I only watched it because it was on before Invasion.

------------------------
Update: Okay, I geeked out and emailed ABC complaining about the cancellation. You never know. That's how shows get saved all the time.

PB Block Party in My Home...

As if I would even attend the P.B. block party (though it no longer exists) I dreamt that it was on my street and worse, that it was like an open house thing and people were just walking into my home and I couldn't kick them out. I was freaking out telling them to get out of my home (which was like a cool wherehouse thing) They were all looking at me like I was a real bitch and ruining the party. I was like, But, it's MY home and you were NOT invited!

The odd thing is that it wasn't a bunch of self-loathing, skanky (no judgement here)PB girls and bros. It was adult tourists. I called the police, but that didn't really do any good. I tried locking them out, but that didn't work either.

Needless to say, I woke up all jacked-up and angry. Me thinks it's symbolic of people getting into my psyche who don't belong there. Not sure about the P.B. aspect. Hmm... not sure I wanna know.

-----------------------------------
Yesterday morning I dreamt of a cute guy who was in art school. He was the cutie mixed with someone else. (Hmm...I did dream about the cutie earlier...we were just basking though) He was showing me a film he made. It was a claymation. It was so cool. I was really impressed by it. Of course upon waking I couldn't remember the details of the claymation except that it was almost all in blue including the characters. I asked him if he made all the clay characters and he said, "Yes, everything but the blue tanks".

He had a best friend that was hanging out with us too. We all went to the school. My hair was all ratted up because he had been playing with it. I put on a hat. Then he left me to hang out with another gal. I was jealous... hate it. That's all.

Dream Guy Returns... and an encounter with a man in blue

Monday, May 15, 2006

This morning I saw dream guy, in a dream of course. We were attending the same school. He was dressed in white just like our initial meeting. The awful part was that I'd run into him and he'd be really charismatic and charming (everyone loved him), and I'd get all school girl flustered, but be angry that I couldn't just see him as the person he was. Also, he made no attempt to communicate with me in more than passing. I knew that I liked him too much and that was keeping me from him. It was so annoying. I was so aggro with myself.

Some other weird stuff happened at school. I was playing keyboard along side another girl who said I sucked. But, I knew more than she did. I attacked her verbally. (who me? ...innocent!)

Later, I had to crawl through some obstacle course... then it turned out that it didn't even lead to where I wanted to go! More annoyance.

That's all. I haven't even been close to an astral experience. Except that I just remembered I was hanging on for dear life on a ride through the sky... which sucks, because normally that (flying or heights) is my cue that I'm in a dream. I didn't even catch on. DOH!

I promise you this though... One of these days, I'm going to be conscious enough and willful enough to grab dream-guy and shake him until he tells me who he is and what his freakin' deal is!

That day is fast approaching.

------------------------------------------
I worked 60 hours/7 days this past week. I was so exhausted that I decided to go workout or I was going to passout at 9pm.

On my way to the gym I was pulled over by the police. I saw the lights and was like, oh let me get outta the way. Then...Oh no, I'm not getting pulled over? Oh shit! I knew I didn't DO anything wrong, because I'm a geeky driver and have only had one moving violation in my life (when I was 19).

Turns out that the lights above my license plate were out and then... DOH! I thought for sure I had changed my address on my driver's license with the DMV. Nope. I've been at my current address for over a year. Oopsy. Thank goodness I got off with a warning. San Diego cops are notoriously...tough! I was thinking, oh God, please don't let these last few days of work be for a damn ticket! I looked him in the eye and said, "Thanks officer, I certainly appreciate it!" I have no problem showing respect to the men/women in blue. There are good ones and bad ones. Thank goodness I got a good one. Clearly a powerful man because he chose not to wield it.

I'll be high-tailing it to Sears tomorrow for some new lights! I've already printed out the DMV change of address form. I told you I'm a geek about these things. Plus, I KNOW my karma. Do it now or pay later!

Thanks Universe for gettin' me off! Woo Woo! I am most grateful!

Animal and Plant Souls

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Okay, I'm really glad I decided to re-read Seat of The Soul because, there are a couple of things that really do not resonate with me at all.
The first one being that animal and plant souls are not as evolved as human souls.

"A soul that is new to the human experience, for example, a soul that has evolved from the animal kingdom and is beginning its journey of human evolution..."

Hello? Gary Zukov speaks of how humans are destoying the earth and not living in harmony with it. Well, it's because we think we're superior in the flesh AND in the spirit.

I was sitting on my balcony looking at the pine. I call him Dragon-Pine, because when I lived next door for two months the view I had of him looked like a chinese dragon. Not vicious though. He/she's sweet, the hummingbirds loooove him too. (I had a thought that the trees were the first giants to roam the earth) I realized that I have not ever for one moment thought myself superior as a human being or as a soul to any animal or plant. If anything, I feel honored to be allowed to sit and chat with the hummingbirds and the Pine. Yeah, I'm a tree hugger, so what?!

Also, if we deem human souls superior to animals and plants aren't we judging and denying our interconnectedness with all things? I could go on for hours. Plus, animals know how to live in the moment, they don't judge, they simply exist and isn't that what we're all tring to do... learn how to just be? He even talks about dogs loving unconditionally and how humans should learn to do such.

I don't get why he would use a concept of an evolutionary path. That is a linear concept. Linear = man made. Tsk Tsk... Come on now Gary!

Perhaps I'm taking it the wrong way, but he seems a bit contradictory in some areas. This is precisely why I don't belong to any one group or religion. There are bits that ring true and bits that don't. It's all good. I just take what i need. Just don't insult the fuzzies and the er...leavies!

Okay, I'm sleepy, I 'll have to list the second argument tomorrow...
I still recommend the book. There are a few gems in it. It will definitely change your perception of certain things.

Okay, here's one...Gary talks about how we cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect. I like that...rings true for me!

Sweet Dreams!

"Power leaves you...

Friday, May 12, 2006

...when you feel that the situation that you are in, or the people that you are with do not command your respect" - Gary Zukov The Seat of The Soul
That was todays quote for the day.

Every morning, I open my companion book to The Seat of The Soul. It has inspiring quotes from the book on each page. I highly, highly recommend the book and the companion guide to anyone who's on a spiritual quest. The book tells it like it is, whether you like it or not. I'm sure there was something that didn't resonate with me. It just didn't even stick out enough for me to notice. I plan on reading it again. Hmm...maybe I'll start today.

Knowing that quote as truth has taken me my whole life. I've been trying to grasp it for the past few years. I have been challanged and challanged again. Had sand kicked in my face on more than one occassion. What do you mean you don't want to be my friend? How could you not like me? What have I done to deserve such disrespect? But, alas, I finally get it. It's so incredibly freeing.
At first it was threatening, especially since I'm a Leo both cursed and blessed with pride and loyalty. I was like What do you mean it's not about me? I'm the center of my Universe, EVERYthing is about me! At least I can admit it and make fun of myself. Humor is a good friend of mine. He's saved me from the depths of despair too many times to count.

One of the concepts in the book that helped me realize this truth is that People treat other people the way they treat themselves. Think about it. Read it again. Think about it again. Know it.

If someone's a disrespectful manipulative little shit to you, do you really think they can go home and sit alone with themself in joyful peace? That person that freaked out on you is in them. You only experience him on occasion, they have to live with that person inside them and what does he say to them? Certainly nothing productive.

Another thing I've recently figured out... A friend I was supposed to hang out with on a specific day at a specific time (we rescheduled twice already) flaked out, blew me off whatever you want to call it. I called her and she has yet to return my phone call.

That is a behavior I do not tolerated in my circle. A phone call is all it takes. Shit happens. I'm down with that. Clearly this person has no respect for herself. At first I was angry, but then I REALIZED that if I put out that energy of anger and disappointment, she is getting what she needs to perpetuate a karmic relationship. As I said in my previous post, Do not take your karmic shit out on me. How do I break this cycle? By not emitting any energy into it. She needs people to be angry with her and disappointed in her. I'm not going there with her. The Karma stops with me. I'm not playin' dat! I love unconditionally, she doesn't need to be in my life.

Try it. Refuse to give someone the negative energy they need for their self-destructive, self-loathing and watch how they magically disappear from your life. They'll go elsewhere for their punishment.

I think this may be why certain folk have chosen not to befriend me. I will not play out a dramatic, karmic realtionship. If you can come to the playground as a grown up or even a big kid, we're on. But, you have to play nice and say please and thank you and the biggest one of all... you can't be afraid to admit your feelings and love for others. That is power and that is true friendship... Self Love.

Piano Dreams & A New Friend

Two days ago I dreamt I had a piano in my apartment. I was so excited. It was walnut colored and sat next to the staircase. Of course, I was disappointed to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

The following day, I dreamt I was playing a piano under water. Then some guy helped me lift the piano out of the water. Then the keys were sideways and I was playing it anyway. Next, I saw a book of sheet music and Bach was written on the cover. Damn it. I really have the desire to be disciplined enough to learn some of those fugues! (Sigh)

I've promised myself that I'm going to get a weighted keyboard/digital piano for myself before my birthday in July. Yes, I deserve it. Besides, my current keyboard kills my hands because the keys are light weight plastic and can't absorb the shock, my hands do that. That's bad for the hands. It also squeaks everytime I hit a key. It's ridiculous.

This morning I dreamt I was making friends with this guy. He had blond hair and blue eyes. Not marbley blue, but clear, aqua blue. He actually got it. He was telling me how he's kind to everyone who crosses his path and how he seeks to empower himself and others. It was so refreshing to meet an attractive man who was capable of such things.

Then, I realized that I had lost my keys. I was really upset. But then, I thought about it and realized that the keys on that keychain, were to my old apartment and that I didn't really need them anymore so it didn't matter that I lost them.

I hung out with the guy more, but I can't remember. It's so close... Maybe later.
In between the piano dreams, I dreamt of an ex-coworker of mine. She was sick and going to die. Her family was throwing a going away party for her. She was so sick and her eyes were all red and black and blue. I felt sick looking at her.

Her party was in a mall so I stepped out and went walking around. I ran into her later and she appeared healthy again, like she might make it. Then I noticed her right eye was missing. It was just an empty socket(Like the Corpse Bride). That's all I remember of that.
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So I've been looking at the color yellow completely differently than ever before. I am developing a deeper respect for it. It is a primary color after all!
A couple of years ago I remember having a vision of this Yellow Butterfly with black around the wings. It's funny, because there's one that's been flying around work for the past few days.
Also, a while back I had a dream about life size paper dolls. Well, I remember what the one-legged doll looked like and the weird thing is that my mom sent me this plastic flat doll that looks just like it, but she has both legs. So odd.

----------------------------
I've been doing my affirmations and energywork, so hopefully I'll start having more lucid dreams.

I kinda miss my dream guy. I can't live with him, can't live without him. Unfortunately, I can't make him show up. He comes by when ever he feels like it. So unfair.

Reaching Out and Friendship

As my good friend angel-Kurls says, "Never quit reaching out to people. Someday, someone will reach back". And, I agree, however, there is a time when I know I've held my arms out long enough and it's time to redirect my energy. That's the thing I've been learning for the past two and half years. I've reached out to many people and only a couple have reached back, but that's cool. At least someone did.

I was taking it personally before (Leo). But in reality I know that any time someone says no to friendship/love, it's really a sad day for them. If you can't receive it, you can't give it and if you can't give it, you'll never receive it. It's the vicious cycle of self-loathing. I know, because I've lived it.

I'm not just talking about passionate romantic love either. More, the everyday interactions with people. If I'm seeing someone several times a week in my comings and goings, I'm going to attempt to form some sort of realtionship. To me, that's what life is about and that's where happiness and joy are found, in the day to day things. Often times, people are so self absorbed in their own dramas that they just have no desire to connect with anyone outside their drama circle. (Sigh) Or worse times when someone is clearly attempting to act out some karmic relationship with me. IT WASN'T ME! Sorry, if I look like, or remind you of someone who hurt you, but don't work your negative shit out with me. I had nothing to do with it. If anything I'm offering you an opportunity to transcend that. Move through it! You can do it.

I'm grateful that finally, I can receive love and I can give it. I'm a total lover and I enjoy every minute of it. I love connecting with people. It's just weird to me how many people say no and how fear is so rampant.

I'm beginning to think that I don't chose my friends, my friends chose me. Because, really, the people I am friends with DO go out of their way to call me, check in and be a part of my life. They just MAKE themselves a part of my life, even if I object at first. I give them kudos!
Sure, my friends and family drive me nuts sometimes, test my patience and challange me, but I am grateful that they even care enough to do so.

Love ya!

xoxoxoxox

MPAH!

How Odd!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I can't believe I didn't notice the yellow bird in the cage in the picture of Veronica of Veronese! The synchronisities are killin' me. She has yellow flowers too. Hmm...with a violin. I never think of yellow and the violin together. Must delve deeper.
I also never noticed the red sash around her waist or the feathers. All I saw was, desire, red hair, dark velvety green and violin. Obviously I need to take a closer look at things!
Oh...and the little birdy just flew back. Sweet!
For more paintings from Dante Gabriel Rossetti and other Pre-Ralphaelites...

http://www.artchive.com/artchive/prb.html

http://persephone.cps.unizar.es/General/Gente/SPD/Pre-Raphaelites/Pre-Raphaelites_7.htmlhttp://www.rossettiarchive.org/

Yellow Birds!

What's up with the yellow birds lately? I haven't seen the yellow headed one again at home, but just now, at work, a cute (completely) yellow sparrow type birdy just flew up said a lil' chirp hello and flew away. I've never seen him before either. Maybe it's the solar plexus work I've been doing lately.

I do have an aversion to the color yellow. Perhaps I need to embrace it more. I know I need to explore the red/orange/yellow side of the color spectrum. I tend to stick to the purple/blue/greens.

Now, if I think of yellow and the warmth of the sun, then I can appreciate it. But, before the thought of yellow used to make me ill. I can't remember who it was that said, "yellow is the color of insanity". Well, true, but so are some greens and blues and reds. Depends which deep end you're going off of. It is interesting that the thing we need to survive is yellow, the sun. Hmm... so many things to explore...

San Diego Guitar Society and Mississippi Delta Blues

I went to a performance put on by the San Diego Guitar Society.

http://www.sdguitarsociety.com

It was great to see all these people play. The main guy, Kevin Rones, was very friendly and seemed down to earth. He greeted me and then checked back with me a couple of times. I didn't get to hear him play, but I did check out his website and found his music on CDbaby.
I really like Kornflower's Jig. Love the bass line.

http://cdbaby.com/cd/rones

But, the best thing was this guy, Robin Henkel playing Mississippi Delta Blues. I thought I had heard that type of blues before, but clearly, I hadn't. I loooved the performer. He had great stage presence. He was up there doing what he does. He was sweating it up. I've found that to be the sign of a great performer, sweat. It's the Kundalini rising. No sweat = no Kundalini. It's true. Check it out next time you go to see a live show.

This guy was playing old guitars and they were alive and kickin. There's a big difference between guitarist who play guitar and guitarist who let the guitar play them. The difference is obvious. The guitar becomes a living organism and is actually speaking. It's having his/her say. LOVE IT!

Check out Preachin' Blues

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/henkel2

For his last number, Robin played this cool guitar from the 20's. It's played like a Dobro, but it was actually it's predecessor. I could just feel all the energy of that lil' guitar. You can see it on his webpage.

http://www.robinhenkel.com/

It was such an inspiring show. Of course, I went home and played for hours. Wee! Music feeds my soul like nothing else. And it loves us all unconditionally.

Update on the neighbor's trash...

It worked! The very next day (within hours of posting the blog!), after I decided to pull my attention away from my neighbor's trash (so metaphoric, I know.) he began moving his boxes out of the street. He was still doing it this morning. It's amazing. I need to try this in other areas of my life where I have too much negative or anxious attention.
Somethings are so ingrained in a habit that it makes it challanging. But, I'll do what it takes. I changed the name of my Bills folder from Bills to Abundance. Hee hee, we'll see what transpires.

Free at Last!

Monday, May 08, 2006Free

HALLALUA! I'm finally feeling back to normal. Man, that was one of those times where it was like when you drink too much and swear that you'll never drink again. I was like, If I feel better, I swear I'll never bitch about life again. (I know, what an ambitious promise!)

I tell ya, that's the one good thing about being sick,when I finally feel better, I realize how lucky I am to have my health and be physically pain free. That physical pain weights heavy on the psyche. And I have a higher pain threshold than most. Phew, it's over. I felt like the life force was being sucked outta me.

I did do some meditation/visualization. I imagined the sun coming down through the top of my head and moving throughout my body warming it up. It tickeled. I'm excited that I can feel the energy moving. (Woo woo! I'm making progress in my self-awareness.) It helped especially with the grey May we've got going on here. It's kinda cool and creepy. San Diegans are so funny, we fool ourselves every year, Yeah, spring is here! Oh...forgot about May and June. Last year we hardly had any grey days in May, this year, almost everyday has been grey. Oh well, This year, I'm learning to appreciate this time of year. I'm so grateful to have my health. I can appreciate almost anything

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I'm beginning to get the thought/attention thing. The neighbor has had this junk out in the street taking up two parking places for two weeks now. It was really beginning to grate on my nerves, the thoughtlessness not to mention the eyesore. Then, the other day, I suddenly felt the energy I had directed at the pile of stuff. It was an odd thing. I was like, my God, I can feel the intensity of my thought and energy on that thing. How 'bout if I direct that intensity towards something a little more productive? Something that would actually benefit me in some way.
So, I have disengaged and withdrawn from that space. It was so much easier than I would've thought. I am not directing my energy to a pile of trash in the street. That would be ridiculous.

Free at Last!

Monday, May 08, 2006Free

HALLALUA! I'm finally feeling back to normal. Man, that was one of those times where it was like when you drink too much and swear that you'll never drink again. I was like, If I feel better, I swear I'll never bitch about life again. (I know, what an ambitious promise!)

I tell ya, that's the one good thing about being sick,when I finally feel better, I realize how lucky I am to have my health and be physically pain free. That physical pain weights heavy on the psyche. And I have a higher pain threshold than most. Phew, it's over. I felt like the life force was being sucked outta me.

I did do some meditation/visualization. I imagined the sun coming down through the top of my head and moving throughout my body warming it up. It tickeled. I'm excited that I can feel the energy moving. (Woo woo! I'm making progress in my self-awareness.) It helped especially with the grey May we've got going on here. It's kinda cool and creepy. San Diegans are so funny, we fool ourselves every year, Yeah, spring is here! Oh...forgot about May and June. Last year we hardly had any grey days in May, this year, almost everyday has been grey. Oh well, This year, I'm learning to appreciate this time of year. I'm so grateful to have my health. I can appreciate almost anything

--------------------------------------------
I'm beginning to get the thought/attention thing. The neighbor has had this junk out in the street taking up two parking places for two weeks now. It was really beginning to grate on my nerves, the thoughtlessness not to mention the eyesore. Then, the other day, I suddenly felt the energy I had directed at the pile of stuff. It was an odd thing. I was like, my God, I can feel the intensity of my thought and energy on that thing. How 'bout if I direct that intensity towards something a little more productive? Something that would actually benefit me in some way.
So, I have disengaged and withdrawn from that space. It was so much easier than I would've thought. I am not directing my energy to a pile of trash in the street. That would be ridiculous.

Bright Eyed and Bushy-Tailed!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Goodness, I have been so bad about waiting 'til the last minute to get outta bed. I started doing affirmations in the morning, I awake at 7am bright eyed and bushy-tailed... The next thing I knew, I started to dream that I was a squirrel! I woke up right away thinking What the hell? I was like, Umm... perhaps I should try another affirmation.

It reminded me of the time my neice asked my mom, "Grandma, can I be anything I want to be?" Grandma replied, "Of course honey, you can be anything you want to be." Mo said, "I wanna be a squirrel!" Grandma then proceeded to explain that she was a little girl etc... Of course I'm thinking Shapeshift Mo, you can always learn to shapeshift!

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I've been remembering my dreams, but they've been too personal to post. I can tell ya about most of my demons, but somethings need to be kept to myself.

I did have an awful dream about my mom being in a car accident and that she was unconscious, only to find out hours later in waking life that she has to go in for another surgery. It appears her rotator cuff is torn and has been since she fell two months ago and broke her arm in three places. No wonder she's been so cranky! Awful.

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I haven't been feeling well. It came on suddenly. I'm not too worried, because I don't get sick but maybe once a year for 24 hours or so. Although, it's been 4 days. I almost didn't make it through my last workout and I didn't even attempt to go yesterday. Maybe tonight...maybe not...

(SIGH) Not much to blog. Change is forever lerking about now. I'm learning to embrace that and appreciate the opportunities it brings. I've actually had a break through with patience. Everything will happen, it already has, it's just a matter of when I will experience it.

Yep...we'll see.

Another Farewell

My heart goes out to my bestfriend, the one who probably knows me better than my own mother. Again, Lady Death is paying her family a visit. Death is something she has had to deal with more than most.

This time, it's more of a release and a blessing, but still there's pain and guilt and anger and denial. All of the lovely steps in the grieving process.

It doesn't matter if you know there's more. I learned that with Mew. Even though she came to visit me right away (and still does on occasion), my body still had to go through the physical withdrawal. That's just how it is. There will be unbearable pain and sorrow.
Life goes by in the blink of an eye.

An Ode to Hazel (written for Mew 8/05)

"Farewell my dear friend. I don't believe this is the end. Though I know you live on... My body aches for the touch of your skin. For you I'll search in my dreams and through all the worlds in between...
Thank you for all the lessons. Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for all your Loving and for your sacrifice." -Ode to My Sweet Mew Mew

Farewell Hazel see ya in Canada...

My prayers are with you and your family P!

(As bagpipes start playing in the background...for real!)

Change in the Air

The past two days have been fabulous, though I haven't felt 100n health and despite Lady Death makin' da rounds, it's been a great couple of days.

I love being on the up swing. That guys gotta come around, it's just the way it is and I am grateful every time. I will indugle to my fullest capacity!


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The other morning I was sitting on my balcony trying to forget another disturbing dream, when this sweet little yellow headed bird landed in the pine infront of me. He was so cute. It looked like a sparrow, but had a yellow head, white body and black and white wings. Just like the pic below. The pic says it's a yellow headed sparrow. That's what I originally searched for, but nothing came up. Hmm..

Anyway, he was looking right at me jumping around. He was quite friendly.

I guess the birds below are from Madagascar...They don't look as sweet as the first one.

Anyway, interesting that I've never seen that bird in the hood before. I've seen hawks, hummingbirds, crows, a blue bird and two mourning doves, but that's all.
Speaking of the crow, he got booted out again. I heard the hummingbirds going off so much that I stepped out side to see what the deal was. A crow was sitting in the pine with a big crumb in his beak. The hummingbirds were chirping and divebombing him. I guess they're pretty territorial for being such friendly little guys. Oh, reminds me of no one I know.

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I feel so different, in a really empowering way, ever since I pulled that demon out in my dream.

Happy Beltane

Monday, May 01, 2006

Yeah! I love this time of year. I feel ALIVE and refreshed today. I've been cleaning and creative! My two favorite! I'm only content when I have both. Cleanliness/organization and Creativity.

I was extremely productive today. First thing, however, I awoke from a very disturbing dream. It's so discusting, but I've never had such a dream...(WARNING MAY TRIGGER GAG REFLEX!)

I dreamt I had bumps on my body. They looked like cystic acne (GAG! So discusting, I KNOW! I think it's Symbolic of repressed anger) I went into the bathroom to get a closer look. I squeezed one of them (GAG again!) stuff oozed out and a big hole opened up. I saw something flicking around in there. I thought, Oh this is so gross, please don't let it be alive! Of course, it was. I grabbed the flicking thing and pulled and pulled until this lizard thing came out that was approximately 2 feet long from head to tail. It wasn't scaly, it was brown and slimey. I knew it was a demon. It was flailing about. I thought that it was going to try to get back in,so I called to a friend (random dream friend) who was outside the bathroom door to bring a knife, but it just left. Then, I woke up feeling...oh...slightly disturbed. At least I pulled the demon out! But I had this gross feeling and was exhausted like I had really been through an ordeal. I let myself sleep in until 9:30am.

Next I was chatting with some girl who was telling me that she was going to throw a party because she's never felt so good about herself and the way she looked. I thought she had on too much make-up, but was impressed that she would throw a party for herself. ;)
I'm sure it's no surprise that I was in a cleaning frenzy of a mood today! Hence, the productivity. I also took time for creativity as well. Yay! A party for me.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my sister Nyonna!

Happy Beltane

Monday, May 01, 2006

Yeah! I love this time of year. I feel ALIVE and refreshed today. I've been cleaning and creative! My two favorite! I'm only content when I have both. Cleanliness/organization and Creativity.

I was extremely productive today. First thing, however, I awoke from a very disturbing dream. It's so discusting, but I've never had such a dream...(WARNING MAY TRIGGER GAG REFLEX!)

I dreamt I had bumps on my body. They looked like cystic acne (GAG! So discusting, I KNOW! I think it's Symbolic of repressed anger) I went into the bathroom to get a closer look. I squeezed one of them (GAG again!) stuff oozed out and a big hole opened up. I saw something flicking around in there. I thought, Oh this is so gross, please don't let it be alive! Of course, it was. I grabbed the flicking thing and pulled and pulled until this lizard thing came out that was approximately 2 feet long from head to tail. It wasn't scaly, it was brown and slimey. I knew it was a demon. It was flailing about. I thought that it was going to try to get back in,so I called to a friend (random dream friend) who was outside the bathroom door to bring a knife, but it just left. Then, I woke up feeling...oh...slightly disturbed. At least I pulled the demon out! But I had this gross feeling and was exhausted like I had really been through an ordeal. I let myself sleep in until 9:30am.

Next I was chatting with some girl who was telling me that she was going to throw a party because she's never felt so good about herself and the way she looked. I thought she had on too much make-up, but was impressed that she would throw a party for herself. ;)
I'm sure it's no surprise that I was in a cleaning frenzy of a mood today! Hence, the productivity. I also took time for creativity as well. Yay! A party for me.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my sister Nyonna!

Finally, some dream bits

Thursday, April 27, 2006

In between snoozes this morning, I first saw a long haired grey cat. Next I saw Mew (sigh...my sweet mew mew). But, before I could react a long haired white cat appeared. Mew's other incarnations? Hopefully, she broke the cycle and doesn't have to return! She was so oooooover it here.

The alarm went off again. The next thing I saw was a fuzzy black spider, the size of a quarter, dropping down the wall at the head of my bed. I was thinking, I hope this isn't happening now. I noticed that the wall didn't have the hanging suede thing on it that mine does. Still, I opened my eyes to make sure a spider wasn't dropping on me. No spider. I like spiders, just not in my bed or any place else they might be apt to bite me.

My first thought after, I hope this isn't happening now, was A little spider told me. So I wonder what the message is. I'm sure as with all things... it will be revealed in time.

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The night before last, I was dozin' off when I saw these tree people (Yes, TREE people). They were tall and slender (the trunk part) with arms, but no heads. I couldn't tell if they had legs or not. The trunk was sort of like a bark-dress. It was two females and they were chatting. So odd. How does my mind come up with these creatures? If I can think of them, then they exist somewhere, no?

The Cheshire Cat

When I was a little girl my mom took me to see Alice in Wonderland. When it came to the part where Alice meets the Chesire cat, I screamed so loud my mom had to take me out of the theater. I think it was the teeth that scared me. That and he looks completely NUTS! Anyway, there is one quote that I keep seeing EVERYWHERE! I've been seeing it for over a year...and that darn cat too! It's outta control. I "happened" upon it again today!

Alice came to a fork in the road. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? responded the Cheshire cat. I dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesnt matter. Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I want to go which ever way will be the most forfilling for me and bring me the most joy and the most peace. That's the way I want to go.

Patience...(sigh)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Patience, I hate to admit, is something I have yet to master. Control too, I suppose. I think I can let go and let God (the source, whatever you wanna call it), but no. I'll only let go for so long and when I think I've turned it over for long enough..."Okay, I'm ready now!" Then I begin to lose my mind. To question. To doubt. I hate that. Why do I have to master patience? ...don't wanna!
I'm trying to incorporate the S.T.A.R. system. Surrender, Trust, Allow & Rest. Clearly, flailing about isn't doing much good. I'm at the resting stage now. (sigh)

And why do I forget my invisible posse? During troubling times is precisely when I should be looking to them, but instead I shut everything down and try to go it alone. I've put everything on hold during this time of transition. Especially my creativity and my dreams (both literally and figuratively). It's just ridiculous and I'm over it. I'm over my reaction to the situation as well. Adrenaline is good for somethings, but after a while, it just burns itself out.

Okay, where was I? Ah Yes, in my state of surrendered relaxation, I'm ready now...

They know...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Before I left my apartment yesterday morning, I drew a symbol (in the air of course) of protection on my front door. I could see the tracings of my finger in the air as I did it. It felt more real than ever before. When I came home last night a spider was sitting right in the middle of my front door! The bright porch light was shinning on it too, which is odd because as most of us know spiders prefer dark corners. I Loved it. It means that I did it correctly! Ol' spiddy was basking in the energy. Hee hee. It knew! I said a little hello and left the lil' fellow alone. It was gone this morning.

Just had to share.

Calling up the Corners

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I don't identify as Wiccan, but some of the philosophy resonates with me. (I also like Gnosis.) I love Wicca for the bond with nature and the idea of God in nature and all things. I looove animals and trees and water etc... That's my meditation, where I see God and where God speaks to me the clearest. (Yesterday I freed a little lizard who had wondered into work. Poor cutie had huge dust bunnies on all 4 feets. I thought he might be dead, but my intuition told me he was just playin'. He was trying to be camo on the white tile floor! I scooped him up and blew off some of the bunnies and set him outside where as soon as he hit the ground he high tailed it outta there. He was so sweet!)

Anyway, I don't like to call up The Corners for piddley things. I only call them up if I feel I require their services for protection. I also don't bother God for things that I know are really insignificant. So, if I'm calling up The Corners, you know I am threatened like an animal backed into a corner. I only cast a circle to protect. I don't bother with casting for money or prosperity and certainly not ever love! No, no, no... In my gut I know these things are illusion. I have all I need. I am richer than most. But, you cross my circle and well...you'll just have to wait and see what your guilt brings you.

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The birds chirpped all through the night. I find that odd. Something is in the air again beyond my own drama...

I had a dream that I was in green mossy colored water, but it was a clear green. It was the weirdest thing. It was water in space. Just a free floating lake. I was investigating the cells of the water and the micro-organisms in the water. It was just my consciousness investigating. I didn't have any awareness of a body. I was exhausted from the research.

I awoke at 4am with cramps and weirded out by the dream experience. As I lay in bed, after popping 3 advil, wide awake, willing the discomfort away and wondering why the birds were still chirpping, the phone rang. Private Caller. I answered, certain it was my dad, that someone had died and glad I was already wide awake to avoid the adrenaline rush. I hear "Hey baby". I said, "Who is this?". No response. I hung up and they didn't call back. I'm quite certain that it's Lud-a-Chris again.

What a sad fellow. As if I'm going to be like, "yeah baby, I've never met you, but come on over and enter my dwelling". Ah...no.
It was just ODD that I was already awake. I think there is something more to the coincidence. Yeah, there are none, I know, that's what has me suspicious. And the birds. As usual, only time will tell.

Goodness, Here's a site where people are venting about birds chirpping at night! Mostly in Cali!
Kurls, I'm sure you can relate!

http://manalang.com/archives/2004/06/16/do-birds-sleep-at-night/

The art of transformation...I think I get it!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

By Jove, I've had a breakthrough!
Of course, I've been raging off and on throughout the day after the piddley incident this morning. Rage oftentimes is followed up by sorrow. Nice little kick in the teeth afterward. I wasn't able to transform my rage (that one...is gonna be tough!)I was however, able to transform the sorrow and despair as it crept in later in the day.

Growing up with a shrink, I've always been told to feel and feel your feelings some more. Because, if you bottle them up, you'll get cancer and die. While, it's true that if you stuff them down you're likely to become ill, if you actually transform the feeling you'll be better off and in a much more powerful place.

I had never really understood how the transformation happens. I just experienced it today for the first time. I felt the emotion coming on. I wasn't going to give some shit the power of suffering over me, so I willed the emotion to move on through me. It was like a storm blowing through. I felt like this rolling of energy all around me. I was focusing on the quote I have under the about me section. I refused the emotion! I thought if I give into this fear and despair, it sets us all back. I have some fierce warriors on my team. They have my back. They're holding for me! And let's not forget the infinite source called God. We are one hell of a strong tribe and we're sure as f*ck not going down! Certainly, not without one hell of a fight.

So, I was at the gym. Thank goodness I have that! It's funny, I could never commit when it was about the way my body looked. But now that I see it as a survival tool for my body, mind and spirit and I see how it teaches me to push all three beyond what I think possible, I looooooove it! I used the same mental energy to move through the emotion. Each time it would arise, I'd do mental and energetic battle to transform it into a courageous and victorious enery. I also used my breath a lot. (always comes back to the very thing we need to do to survive!) I did NOT stop emotion from happening. I kept the energy in motion, but I WILLED it into the emotion I wanted.

Yeah, yeah, I have to work on the rage. One thing at a time.

By Jove...ever wonder where the exclamation came from? I did and here it is...

http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-byj1.htm

The art of transformation...I think I get it!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

By Jove, I've had a breakthrough!
Of course, I've been raging off and on throughout the day after the piddley incident this morning. Rage oftentimes is followed up by sorrow. Nice little kick in the teeth afterward. I wasn't able to transform my rage (that one...is gonna be tough!)I was however, able to transform the sorrow and despair as it crept in later in the day.

Growing up with a shrink, I've always been told to feel and feel your feelings some more. Because, if you bottle them up, you'll get cancer and die. While, it's true that if you stuff them down you're likely to become ill, if you actually transform the feeling you'll be better off and in a much more powerful place.

I had never really understood how the transformation happens. I just experienced it today for the first time. I felt the emotion coming on. I wasn't going to give some shit the power of suffering over me, so I willed the emotion to move on through me. It was like a storm blowing through. I felt like this rolling of energy all around me. I was focusing on the quote I have under the about me section. I refused the emotion! I thought if I give into this fear and despair, it sets us all back. I have some fierce warriors on my team. They have my back. They're holding for me! And let's not forget the infinite source called God. We are one hell of a strong tribe and we're sure as f*ck not going down! Certainly, not without one hell of a fight.

So, I was at the gym. Thank goodness I have that! It's funny, I could never commit when it was about the way my body looked. But now that I see it as a survival tool for my body, mind and spirit and I see how it teaches me to push all three beyond what I think possible, I looooooove it! I used the same mental energy to move through the emotion. Each time it would arise, I'd do mental and energetic battle to transform it into a courageous and victorious enery. I also used my breath a lot. (always comes back to the very thing we need to do to survive!) I did NOT stop emotion from happening. I kept the energy in motion, but I WILLED it into the emotion I wanted.

Yeah, yeah, I have to work on the rage. One thing at a time.

By Jove...ever wonder where the exclamation came from? I did and here it is...

http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-byj1.htm

My Kindness is NOT Weakness! Yes, this again!

It's amazing how if someone wants to get out of something guilt free they will lie to themselves about their lie actually being a truth. They will tell themselves their false truth over and over and over again until they start to believe it. However, the subconscious and God know better...

I pride myself on being an honest person and trying to have compassion for another person's perspective. I Know GOD (the law)! I Know Karma! Yes, that is why I am CONSCIOUSLY, continously attempting to live a humble existence. So, when some little young shit thinks she can out smart me with her self told lies. Tells me I'm a liar! Thinks my humility and kindness are weakness. And tells me I'm stupid for assuming I could take her for her word. I kinda temporarily LOSE MY F*CKING MIND! I work hard at a peaceful existence.;)

Yes, I know I gave my power away. I put her above God. Because, truth be told, I can stand naked before God and know that I have not lied.(Bring on the feather Maat!) I have nothing to hide from God. I made all parties aware of the situation.

This is one of those times when I would looooove to witness the wrath of humility upon a person. Yes, I was so upset earlier, but now I chuckle, because I KNOW what's in store for you little girl with the nasty mouth! Humility spares NO ONE! Enjoy that crawl on your bloodied knees through the broken glass of humility! Beeatch!

-Peace out! LOL

The river of reincarnation and an illicit affair

Monday, April 17, 2006

This morning I dreamt I was floating on a wooden raft with a man who was my friend (dream person. No life similarity to another). It was a river. The man was ready to go into the water. He said to me, "we are in deep waters now. This is where reincarnation happens. There are many bodies here". I had an intense reaction (persnaps a smiggen of fear!!!). I was afraid to touch the dead bodies that's for sure! They started floating up to the top. And my thought was AHHH! Don't wanna look! Don't wanna look!

Grrrrreat, I'm in the middle of a crisis and to top it off I'm being asked to look at some crazy )*&*&)*&!

I don't necessarily believe in past lives. Parallel lives, sure. I've always wanted to take a trip to the Akashic Library.

Well what do you know? The Library has it's own webpage! ;) (fyi the site is a joke, but you get an idea of what the akashic library is!)

http://www.akashiclibrary.com/index.html

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The night before, I dreamt I was having an affair with a married man with 2 children. They weren't his. The kids were from the first marriage. That's how I rationalized having an affair with him. It was an awful dream! I had a strong sense of him. Again, he didn't look or act like anyone I know in real life. He would be so affectionate with me when we were together. In public he acted as if he didn't know me. I would get really hurt from that, but then take him back again. It was like he was two different people.

I woke up feeling discusted that I would allow myself to be treated that way. The really weird thing is that throughout the day, I would get a feel of him(like a breeze blowing through). How can someone that only exists in my mind have such a strong essence? Quite odd. I liked him, but not the fact that he was married and certainly I didn't care for the hot and cold treatment.

We'll see what tonight will bring.

Secret Agents and Ninjas

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I dreamt I was a secret agent. I had two other agents with me (one male, one female)and we had just finish a job (I have no idea). As we were packing up one of our nemesis scaled a wall and was coming for us. We quickly divided up the knives and spread out. The knives were all different types. Some like I'd never seen before. Of course, we gave the guy the biggest ones. Because, we weren't stupid. He was the one who was going to hit the enemy first and hardest.

Suddenly a guy came in the room and threw a ninja throwing star at me. It whizzed passed me and stuck in the wall. He left, but then another guy came in with another type of throwing star that opened up and hoovered in the air. That one just stopped in front of me and never hit me...hmm...

I had at least two knives, maybe three. The only one I can remember was one that looked like a round knife (The first one used for leather) and an edge knife (the second used for soil). But, the handle was skinny and the knife part was folded over like a hoe. Hmm...sounds like it was more for hacking. Nasty.

After the throwing stars, I don't remember much. I think I woke up.
Okay, I'm at work so I have to skeedattle!

Visions I forgot to mention...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Gee, I forgot to mention some symbolism that I saw the other day while meditating. One was a chest kind of like the arc in Raiders of The Lost Arc. It was opened and light started to pour out, but then I became afriad and snapped out of it.

The other was of me in a light blue hooded cloak. It was a light flowing material. I was walking counter clockwise around The Cutie who was crouched down. He had on earthtone clothes.

(Oh too strange! I just looked outside and saw a black man with a light blue hooded rain jacket-thing. The same color blue! That's peculiar, no? One of those weird synchronistic things.)

Anyway, I was walking counter clockwise around him and he was crouched but ready to stand up. I knew as I walked around him he would continue to slowly stand up...hmm...must check the symbolism.


Here's the cloak! The first one! Who Knew...wait...I'm kinda creeped out...
http://www.harvestrising.com/harvest_011.htm

Okay, I'm really really creeped out now! I found this image on the same site.

http://www.earthspirit.com/ros/rosb.html

Persnaps I was a druid in a former life?

Shoot,I have a client...will research more when I get a chance.

M.A.P. Day 9 - Burning Pines In My House

Yes, I dreamt that the pines in my house (they were inside my home, in what would be the living area.) had caught on fire. There where 3 different trees and they were all burning. I was grateful that I just happened to be walking by.

I tried to smother them, by hitting them with a blanket, but the flames jumped and spread. I realized the fire would be out of control in moments so I ran and got the fire extinguiser and sprayed them all. Next, I noticed that I had grabbed the wrong thing. I hadn't put the fire out with extenguiser. I had used a solution called absolution or something close. (Yeah yeah, I know!) The substance was greasy and I was surprised that it actually put out the fire. The texture alone made me think it was flamable and should have made the fire worse. I was surprised, but grateful.

(UPDATE: I remembered that the solution wasn't absolution...it was called RESOLVER! Resolver put out the fire! Last night, I "coincidently" read a line on a page that feel out of a book that I was reading. It said, "Resolve is the intention to become the light". Interesting, no?)
Read about pine trees! Kudos to the pine geek!

http://lovett-pinetum.org/

Next I was looking through a book on shadow boxes of the 50s and 60s. They were like a family affair in the way they were decorated. I enjoyed looking through the book.

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Wow, today started out warm and sunny, but now it's gotten dark and gloomy and windy. Funny, I don't even care. It's still beautiful here.

The crow family were out flying this morning. They were all up to something. They were flying individually and going their seperate ways. One had a big 'ol bread crumb in his beak. I wonder what's going on...because, they usually aren't out like that AND the hummingbirds were awfully quiet. Hmm... I bet we will soon see.

----------------------------
P.S. I tended my garden last night for the full moon! I actually skipped the gym if you can believe it. I water and cleaned the plants. I also arranged the balcony and put some of my silly tchotskis out. SO WHAT?!

M.A.P. Day 8 Full Moon Madness

Thursday, April 13, 2006

This morning I dreamt that I was going to get a facial thanks to Kurl's dad giving me a gift certificate. It was at a school, but not a cosmotology school. It was a vocational school. They weren't allowed to call it a facial, because they didn't have the same credentials as an esthetician. But, it was a two year associate degree program. So I made some comment about why not just do a 6 month esthetician program and the guy who was going to do my facial got all bitchy with me (he was gay). He said something like, "two years verses 6 months? Why not get a nursing degree. Why not become a black nurse (which in the dream was the highest nursing degree)?"
He was so offensive and so bitchy to me. The teacher was right there and didn't say a thing. I got up and walked away and demanded to speak to someone in charge. I was so angry that I was literally foaming at the mouth as I was telling the man "in charge" how upset I was to be talked to in such a way. Well, he didn't say much really so then I went to get the owner, but the owner wouldn't come out and was avoiding me. When I finally left, the owner snuck out. Oh, there was only one or two girls and the rest were men, both gay and straight. No one would give me any respect (R.I.P. Rodney!).

I woke up wide awake and sooooo angry. I couldn't even stand myself. So, I laid in bed for another 45 minutes calming myself down. I realized that A) I'm letting the stress get to me too much and B) The interaction I had with a certain member of the administrative staff at IPSB was much more upsetting than I realized.

If there's one thing I absolutely cannot tolerate is someone who thinks that they are so smart that they can be condescending and no one will be the wiser, or that they'll be too weak to say anything. Of course, I had to bit my tongue, because I know a lot of my anger is an occumulation of rage from similar instances in the past. This type of person rears it's head every so often and I've learned that you can't meet these people with rage. We'll sure, I fantasize about violent acts, because to me they are a cancer and inhuman, but I know that even if I did kick their ass, I would feel terrible afterwards.

So, the challange is to confront the situation, but in a calm cool manner. Good thing I had a class with the Dean of Falcuty. I think I may have to give her a call once I calm down.
I KNOW these type of people are unhappy and really, I (as Kurls always suggests) should just laugh in their faces. Because they WILL get theirs. You cannot put out that type of nasty energy and not pay for it. Trust me, I know.

I'm not sure why they were mostly men in my dream. Oh, I'm sure I do somewhere...don't wanna know just yet. ;)

I've reached a point where I cannot and will not be around other people who threaten my dreams and my very existence. No more MS. Nice Guy. Nope. Call me a bitch, but I've had it with manipulators and just plain out right NASTY folk. I think I need to take better care of myself. I need to get my mind and my life in order. I need to tend to my garden and pull up some weeds. Even if they are my own.

----------------------------------
Also, I think the Seed moon is really powerful this year. I've been nuts for 3 days. Yesterday and today I was really shakey too. Full moons always affect me, but some more than others.
Let's see what the ritual is for the Seed moon a.k.a Pink moon a.k.a. Egg moon. Planting seeds I'm sure...

Here's an interesting bit about this moon. What's especially interesting is that I wrote the above paragraphs before finding this tid bit on this particular full moon in Libra! O.M.G. Too funny. "How long will it take our species to realize that violence only begets more violence?" Oh sistah, I was just talkin' about this! It's now. It's now.

http://www.astrowisdom.com/thisfullmoon.htm

P.S. I did Tai Chi again this morning AND my affirmations. I'm not messin' around!

The Wheel

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I actually did Tai Chi this morning. You know it's bad if I'm bringing out that bad boy. Actually, I forgot how much I like it. It's grounding and gets me back in touch with the Chi!

When will I learn that The Wheel just keeps on turning? Sometimes you have to just KEEP MOVING when things get overwhelming. Not to say that we don't all need a little trip to Catatopia sometimes (see earlier blog...). But, it will change. That is the one thing that is inevitable...change. Even when things are awful it HAS to change eventually.
I think reality changes too. Sometimes I'm blessed in Heaven creating my own joy and happiness, a master of my universe. Other times it's a Matrix of conspiracy and slavery. Are they both real? Are neither?

Wouldn't it be scary to live life in the unexpected everyday? What will today bring me? What perspective? Who will I meet today? A person can change in an instant from a friend to a lover. From an enemy to a friend. Am I willing to allow miraculous possibilities to unfold in my life? YEP! Bring 'em on!!!

However (somewhere in a parallel universe), it is also extremely important to know when a malignancy is a malignancy. When it can be treated and when it needs to be cut out...
I'll be going through some of my boxes this evening. Wish me luuuuck.

XO!

Am I The Box Or Is The Box Me?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Yes, those again. I'm sitting in a room with a bunch of boxes of my shit. I'm sitting here thinking, is this me? Is this all I am...a bunch of boxes with some sentimental memories?
Right now, I would love to walk away from these boxes. I have 2 boxes of journals alone...the horror. What if I got rid of everything except a few choice objects and my clothes and furniture of course. One of these days I'm going to achieve my minimalist goals.
(sigh)

I used to play this game when I was little (Yep, it's always been there) called Who Am I? (Yes, I even made up the name.) I'd ask myself that question over and over again until I truly lost all conscious thought of who Jennifer was. I couldn't remember anything about me I had no sense of anything except my breathing. And just when I began to fear that I'd lost myself forever, I'd come back to my memories and Jennifer. (One of the reasons I love Carl Jung so much is because in Memories, Dreams and Reflections, he talks about a game he played as a boy where he'd sit upon a rock and ask himself, "Am I the rock, or is the rock me?" and he'd lose all conscious separation from the rock. I felt normal (for the most part) after reading that. Heck, I figure if a genious can invent a similar game, I'm not too crazy. Right?)

So I digress. The point is that I'd like to walk away from a bunch of crap in boxes that I no longer need. It's just taking up space. It's a huge undertaking (pardon the pun). I also admit that I've reached a state of lack of inspiration and I hate that. So, I don't like anything now and would like to get rid of it all. Still, I don't want to get rid of all of me. It's always about that fine line isn't it? DOH!

I think I'm gonna go play that game now...

Who Am I? Who Am I? Who Am I?

Greetings From Catatopia

Monday, April 10, 2006

Goodness! Sloth is the word of the day. I don't know what has or hasn't gotten into me. I am a complete vegetable today. I can't really tell you anything productive I've done today, except sloth and nap, sloth and nap.

I cleaned a little teeny bit of my room today. I sat outside...a lot. I think it's a form of meditation for me. Certainly a way of blocking everything out. I just sat there Darthing it watching the birds and the bees, traffic, airplanes, helicopters and fighter jets.

One thing that I FINALLY noticed today that I'm embarassed to admit is how differently different types of birds fly. Some, like the hawk, glide very rarily having to flap. Other crazy little birds like this black and white bird, Chirp-flap-soar, chirp-Flap-soar Chirp-flap-soar,. I never noticed him before. He was like some crazy alien bird...cute!

The mourning dove does a crazy little drop soar. Flap-Droooop-soar, Flap-Droooop-soar. It's so cool how they just drop. Crows - Caw-flap-soar-soar. The hummingbird is nuts of course. Nothing stops that cutie. What's most amazing is how they can fly diagonaly while looking right at you. Our air defense should be studying hummingbirds (dragon & damselflies too). Their manouvering is insane.

I had a weird feeling today. Granted the weather is creepy, but still... It's one of those Something has changed feelings. We'll see what happens.

My dreams were too obvious to blog. A girl's still got to keep some things private.
Yesterday, I did have a few revelations that perhaps I'll blog later.
Well, at least my slothy axx is off to the gym. It's my first time leaving the apartment today. SO WHAT!

P.S. Thanks Kurls for the James Blunt. Just what I need, depressing music. But it's gooood! Kinda Jeff Bucklyish, no? He's definitly a Lover!

A Military Theme In My Genes

So, I had an interesting dream the other night. I can't recall it in great detail except that in the dream I had a vision that the group of people I was with were going to die on the battlefield. I realized I was going to die too. At first I was afraid and then realized that I wouldn't know the difference anyway. It would be like waking from a dream.

Somedays I feel like I have woken up in a different world or dimension. I think we are living multidimensional existences. I feel I've recently woken up in a war. But a stealth war...unseen, psychological and spiritual...It's challanging to describe. I want to be in Peace, Love and Harmony all the time. But this world IS the world of opposites. So she keeps reminding me. That's how it all stays together. There are battles to be fought (as Mars opposes Pluto) and there is a warrior within me.

It's true that I live in a city with the highest military concentration in the U.S. I live in a military paradise. Interesting. Although I've lived here for four years and I've met a lot of military and have several military clients, I've only recently been making friends with "them". And I thought I had a good feel for the military "types"...

Well, I recently discovered that someone I've been chatting with for months now is an ex-marine. Not just ex-military, but ex-marine. I can't believe I didn't pick up on it. I feel that my intuition has failed me. I made up a whole story about this person in my head (yeah I know I shouldn't. I've been trying not to and I totally deserve it!) which is apparently totally different. I've actually met someone that I've never known before. If that makes sense. And NOT from another country, but from right here in the good 'ol US. It's facinating. I've tried to catergorize this person and he just isn't fitting anywhere. It's disturbing, but in the same breath I welcome the change.

I think I've underestimated my opponent. Not to say we are at war or even on opposite sides. But, clearly there's a lot more to this person than I ever imagined.
I guess I do have a sort of stigma with military folk. Which, is ridiculous because my dad and all of my uncles were in the military. Wait...maybe that's it... I KNOW how military men think.
I kept waking up during the night thinking, I can't believe he's ex-military and I didn't pick up on it! How could I have been so blind and deaf.

So to wrap this all up as to why I am kind of disturbed by this whole thing is that it ties in with a little "vision quest" I went on back in November. There was a military theme. Amphibious warfare. Sleeping with the enemy. Rape and murder. A soldier's guilt spanning several life times. Society's forgiveness. Laughing in the face of the enemy. Taking him on and refusing to give in to fear. Denying him my death, for there is none. Stripping him of his power. (I never wanted to, but he disrespected his woman so. She had me do it for his own good. No man will know peace until he knows and loves his woman. The same goes for women with their men. The Alchemy thing.)

The biggest lesson was that it all circles back around until the pattern is recognized. Then it can be consciously broken. The advice...listen more deeply

The Gospel of Judas

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/04/0406_060406_judas.html

Facinating isn't it?

In Love Song of The Universe, Mary is told the "true" story of Judas, but she isn't allowed to remember it. All she remembered was that the story wasn't told correctly and that Judas wasn't a bad guy. It's interesting how I read that in the last month and then this news breaks. Also...a Judas type rears it's head. A-hem.

I can see where Jesus asked Judas to betray him in a "Soul Agreement" kind of way. If we do chose our lessons before we are born and ask others to participate in our "real life" drama, then they are just acting the part they've agreed to be cast in, no?

I snicker thinking of a friend of mine, when I was in my early 20s, who used to use the phrase, "You Judased me!" He was a bit dramatic to say the least.

But, this really does change the Christian perspective now, doesn't it? Here's a man falsely accused and having to shoulder such a huge burden for all of us.

Oh Judy Judy Judy...

Oops, our bad.

Shadow Pup Leaves The Nest!

Yeah! I got a call from Mo yesterday. Shadow Pup arrived! (Yes, I finally finished her Pup! Woo Woo!) She was so excited! And to think I was so worried that she wouldn't like him. (How pathetic...fear of rejection from a 9 year old. Kids don't lie, that's why.)

I could tell by her enthusiasm that she really liked him. She said, "Thanks sooooo much Auntie Jen". I could hear Brannon in the background making flying noises. Shadow Pup flies you know. He is half dog, half bat. I'll post a picture as soon as I get my film developed.

What a relief! Oh yeah and Mo thinks I should work on Fire Pup next. I told her I had to make Brannon's Dragon and then a Black Unicorn for Kelly (a.k.a Kurls) first. She sighed, "all right".
Who's their favorite Auntie Jen?! Me!

I love those kiddies. May they always love with such fearless abandon.

(SIGH)

Sometimes...I just know when a dream is a prophetic warning. Sometimes... I hate when I'm right. Even though the name was never spoken, the portal opened just enough. I knew better...yet just haaaaad to entertain the notion.

(SIGH)

Oh Let's welcome the opportunity to excel! As the hummingbirds are saying hello to me this morning. Oh, and mourning dove too. They remind me of all that's important. Thanks guys!
I wonder what Pluto's up to now... must check.

UPDATE:
Grrrreat Mars is opposing Pluto on the 8th. Clearly the energy is starting early! Hey, I thought Saturn was supposed to be cutting us some slack.*(&^&^

"Mars rules the animal energy, and Pluto rules the invisible underworld in all of us. The tendency to be rash in actions and judgment can raise havoc in the personal life. There can be a lack of restraint that causes antagonism within to generate antagonism without. When Pluto is configurated with Mars it is wise to keep one's magnetic field free of anger for it will draw violence into the person's orbit. This is the time to use your robe of light."

I'm puttin' on the robe! I'm puttin' on the robe! KURLS!

http://cosmicconnexion.blogspot.com/2006/03/sunday-26-march-2006-longer-view-march.html

M.A.P. Back on Track

Goodness, I'm almost done with moving. I'm so grateful it has gone so smoothly. Except, that I locked myself out this morning! Some how I manage to drop my keys and I forgot to do my "key check" before letting the door slam. Thank goodness the construction workers were working this morning. (They've moved down to the other end of the building...WOO WOO! ) So, Joe was kind enough to let me in. I was only locked out for 10 minutes and I was only 10 minutes late for work. I'm glad I didn't have a client right at 10am! Phew!

I've been complaining that I haven't been able to recall ANY dreams. I know it's lack of sleep, because yesterday I passed out from 5:00pm to 6:30pm. Literally, I dropped and ZZZZZZZZ and I dreamed. I dreamed that I was on a ship. I wanted to relax, but I had to steer the ship so I had to pay attention. But, then I realized that I was in a dream, so I didn't have to steer anything! I could fly around and have a good time. But, this was one of those times where I knew I wasn't conscious enough to control events. So, I relaxed and let whatever-power-that-be take me for a ride. I was lifted up and then traveling through space. All the images blew right by me, it was really cool. I wasn't afraid at all, I just had to focus on relaxing and allowing. I knew to just trust and enjoy the ride. I remember seeing geometric shapes and colors and blurred images but not in great detail. The one thing I remember seeing the most clearly was a bunch of cells. You know when you look under the microscope and you see a single cell in it's lil' protoplasm rectangle. (Remember looking at a plant or onion cell in biology?) I was in I want to say a room, but it wasn't a room. I was in space floating and I was surrounded by these cells that made up walls and the ceiling. It's hard to describe. Everything was black except for the neon orange outline of the rectangle the orange nucleus inside. It was cool. I was like, oh I'm in a cell with a bunch of other cells. We all make up something bigger. Interesting... Mary Sparrowdancer talked about something like that in Love Song of The Universe. It's the whole fractal thing too. Simply facinating dahlink.

So I had a vision of the ODG (original dream guy...He's clearly not going away anytime soon, so I'm giving him an acronym.) and I having a daughter. I didn't see the daughter. It was more of a knowing and feeling thing. "Ah...and our daughter". A lot of the time we communicate telepathically. I snapped awake...What we have a daughter now?

Interestingly enough, there was a period of time where I would dream of our son. He is so cute (I prefer to think of him in present tense) and looks like the perfect combination of the two of us. Great bone structure. He is sweet and shy with a quirky sense of humor. Sometimes his appearance changes a little, but he always has brown hair and brown eyes. Usually he's between 6-10. I haven't seen him for a year. It was actually quite a disturbing experience. Suddenly I was dreaming that I had a son and questioning whether or not I will ever even give birth to a child in this life. I can't figure out why this boy was coming to me as my son if he is never going to be...here. Yet, I know he lives somewhere. I felt such an excrutiating longing for him as only a parent would know. We never really conversed. Mostly we just enjoy each others presence...essence.

So now we have a daughter? It's all so surreal. At least it's entertaining, I suppose. Perhaps I'll be able to decipher it someday. I feel like Truddi Chase, except that I'm aware of all my people...I think...I'm not missing any time...But Hell, they're breeding!

Stalked by a Gigolo...An absurd, but true tale!

I actually got to wake up on my own today! Woo Woo! The construction workers didn't arrive until I was getting ready to leave. It was Heaven... the silence.

However earlier, I was awaken at 2am by my cell phone ringing. It was a private caller. I thought maybe it was my dad, since he's a private caller, with earth shattering news or something. Right? I mean it's 2am for crying out loud!

I hear this trying to be all sexy male voice say, "Hello..." Of course, I'm like I don't know any guy who'd be calling me all sexy like at 2am and he didn't sound like anyone I know, so I said, "ah...I think you have the wrong number." He said,"No I don't. This is Jen isn't it?" I was still half asleep. I was trying to think. There was an air of familiarity about him, but I couldn't place it. I said, "Yeah, but I don't know who you are. Who is this?" He said, "Who else would be calling you in the middle of the night? This is Chris". I was still stumped. I said, "I don't know a Chris." Then he sounded genuinely hurt and said, "oh, I woke you. That's why you don't remember me. I'll call you back tommorrow."

As I was hanging up the phone the fog started to lift. Oh my Gawd! This was the GIGOLO who called me in the summer when I placed a roommate wanted ad on-line. He must've seen my ad again! Yes, a real gigolo. Or at least he gets off pretending to be one.

It happened last July when I was looking for a roommate. He called about the ad. I immediately got a weird vibe from him. Not a dangerous one, but a something else is going on here vibe.

He was asking me about the dimensions of all the rooms. He told me he was a dancer, so he needed a lot of room to practice his routines. Then he asked how close the bedrooms were to one another. Then he asked if it was okay to have overnight guests, because he had a lot of friends with benefits. (At this point, I clearly wasn't considering him for a roommate.)
I just had to ask what he did for a living. My curiousity got the best of me. I opened up the freakin' door! Let that be a lesson to all who read this! DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!
He told me that he was an actor/dancer, but that he also helped women with their intimacy issues. I was chucklin' to myself like an adolecent boy. I was also thinking, I'll show you intimacy issues! Oh, I'm sorry, was that your left nut? Mew Mew loves meatballs.

Then he told me that there wasn't any actual penetration, but just moving around together. He was going on about how lonely some women are and how he feels he really helps them to love themselves more. All I was thinking was, You really think I need to pay for sex? Hell, you're not even offering me sex, just foreplay? Are you nuts? Clearly, you've never been f*cked by a powerful woman. I would destroy you motherf*cker!

So, I did laugh at him and told him that he had the wrong lady. I made the mistake of ENGAGING HIM. I told him that I didn't need to pay for anything. I could get laid right now if I wanted to. And also, I didn't even need to seek outside assistance because I could please myself in 60 seconds flat. Needless to say...SCHWING! He obviously got off on that. Because, he started asking me about my body and I told him that I was skinny and flat chested, but that seemed to turn him on even more. I couldn't stop myself. Finally, he asked about my nipples and I laughed and hung up. He called back 3 nights in a row. I turned my phone off the first two, but on the third night I answered and told him to never f*cking call me again. I didn't hear from him, until last night.

So be on the lookout ladies. There are guys who troll the roommate want ads for eligible ladies. Who knew? Not I. The only reason I'm not freaked out is because it's such great blogging material. I seriously haven't laughed this hard in a long time! It's so ludacris. OH my Gawd! LOL. Get it? Lud-a-Chris! I'm killin' myself.

So, I didn't remember any dreams because every time I'd wake up I'd think of Lud-a-Chris.

(Sigh) Hey, at least it put me in a giggly mood!

Had no idea there was a rapper named Ludachris... Not surprising!

No M.A.P. today...clink clink...clink clink...scraaaaaape...clink clink...

That's the sound I awoke to this morning outside my window at 7am. I AM SO TIRED OF THE DAMN CONSTRUCTION! The pounding and banging and clinking and scraping and talking. It's been 6 months and I've reached the breaking point! I'm mostly pissed because I was dreaming and the bastards woke me up and then I couldn't recall the dream. I know they are just doing their job, but can't they do it a little more quietly?!!

Then I got out of the shower and I forgot my pants in my bedroom so I'm walking out in my underwear and I see someone on my balcony! That's nice. At first I thought they came through the front door, which really would've pissed me off because I was in the shower. But, it appears they climbed up on a ladder.

I do remember pieces from one dream last night. I was looking in an antique shop with one of my grandmothers. We found these life size antique paperdolls. I think it was a family and the little girl was missing a leg (hmm....like the damselfly!). She had on purple tights too (good 'ol sag in the crotch tights). Then my grandmother was having problems standing and I had to help her out of the shop. I remember there were a lot of things I was looking at in the shop, but I can't remember the details...the bastard dream theives!

Okay, so much for the morning rant. I must get ready for work now. Damn, I really need this bitter pill to move on through my system already.

Damselfly Mania

Damselfly keeps coming to visit me at work. She flies in and hovers near me and then sits on the wall by me for a few minutes and then goes out the door again. Almost everyday. The latest one has all 6 legs. I wonder if they can regenerate them. Hmm...must revisit the damelsfly totem. I wonder what she's tryin' to tell me.

"It can indicate that an approximate two-year period of change is about to reach its culmination". - That sure as heck better be the message. I'm over the last 2 years of torture. Okaaaay.

"Let there be light"

http://www.dragonflywood.com/animalspeak.html

M.A.P. Day 7

So I actually did my affirmations last night while on the elliptical at the gym. I woke up this morning in a pissy mood. Yeah. I don't remember a single dream. I hate that! It's worse than remembering aggro dreams!

I was listening to the BWG last night and then the next thing I knew, I woke up laying sideways on my bed . I don't remember taking off the headphones or anything. So I crawled under the covers and passed out. I must've had some jacked up dreams, because I'm sooooo aggro this morning!

I can't wait to find a roommate and move back into the old and BIGGER crib. I'm supposed to move this weekend. Weeeee. When will I accomplish that without a day off?! Dag Nabbit! *(&^&^$^amp;$

no.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...Happy Eclipse! Eclipses are supposed to be about new beginnings. I need a new beginning. And the eclipse is in my moon sign, Aries. Which as some people know most Aries get on my nerves about as much as male Leos. They are very similar stubborn will wise and neither can share the spotlight. Although, I did have a female Aries teacher once that I really liked. Must've had a friendly rising sign. So what if I'm generalising. I'm not hatin' really. If they would just share the spotlight and agree that we're all fabulous it wouldn't be a problem! Jeeze!

Also, evidently we're in a phase called a lunar standstill which only happens every 18.60 years. It's thought that this is why Stonehenge was built as well as other megaliths across the world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunar_standstill
http://www.cainer.com/2006/index.html

Eclipse info:
http://astrologyzone.com/forecasts/eclipse.html

P.S. I'm also not finished with the Pup for Mo yet! Damn it. I messed up his eyes, now I have to do them all over again!

Deep breaths.(Sigh) And now I'm moving back into my joyful place.

Holding Space Turns Bitter Rant

I've been hearing the phrase"holding space" for a few months now. It started when I took some massage classes at IPSB. I thought I knew what the teachers were talking about. But since then I've been reading Tori's book Piece By Piece and She talks about holding space as well. I was curious so I geeked out on Google.

Here are a couple of different perspectives on holding space:

http://www.alternativesmagazine.com/13/marshall1.html
http://www.massagetherapy.com/articles/index.php?article_id=53

So my question is...do I have to hold space for someone to be a complete immature ass? I kind of feel like that it is my lot lately. It's challanging to hold space for rude people and why do I have to? I know. I know..."It's an opportunity to exercise compassion". But I'm tired of it. Also, I'm REEEEAAAALLLY tired of being forced to meet with my internal mean people's alter egos in the real world. Why can't I meet up with the nice guys and gals. I'm tired of holding space for the meanies. Over it! I think they need to move out so I can make space for the nice ones! PACK YOUR BAGS HATERS. AAARRGGG!

Where are all the other Lovers? (probably melted into a puddle of despair or beaten and thrown into a cellar somewhere)

Why do some people take their hurt out on others when some do not? I see people change right before my eyes they have the opportunity to be a Lover...they were headed toward being a Lover and then they succumb to the peer pressure of hate. It's much more fashionable yet not very risky. Quite predictible actually. That alone bores me to tears. Oh well, no one ever finds peace at the hate club. Na na na.

Unicorns and little fuzzies UNITE!!!

P.S. And also...
Umm, excuse me Almighty, but there's been a comedy of errors on my part and I'd like to revamp the grand plan for myself. It's just not working for me...Thanks! Love ya!

*Peace*

M.A.P. Day 6 - One Mo' Time!

So I've been a tad STRESSED OUT ("WE'RE GOING DOWN MAN...EXPRESS ELEVATOR TO HELL!") with the roommate thing and all. I loath having to find a roommate. I don't like too many changes in my surroundings and of course my surroundings have done nothing but change consistantly for 2 YEARS! I'm done now... ok?

I haven't been actively doing the M.A.P. thing. I had an anxiety attack and cleaned my bedroom...thank goodness. Wading through the popcorn on the floor mixed in with the thread, needles and shards of material everywhere was finally more than I could bare.

The night before last, I dreamt of Morgan told me that she wanted to play the piano. Then I saw some kid playing the drums with an Animal (Muppets) drum set. Next, I dreamt I was in this building over the ocean that looked like the Space Needle. I was getting nervous walking up these steps because we were up so high and only the ocean was below and the walls were all glass. But I knew I was in a dream and could make it... that's all I remember of that.

Last night I was meditating and suddenly I could hear better. I could hear like layers of everything going on at that moment, the birds, my computer hum, the traffic hum etc... I listen a lot any way, but this was the most intense I've ever listened before. It was more than hearing everything at once. It was hearing how it all TOGETHER made up a harmonic song. Not dissonant as I normally hear "separate" stuff. I was thinking, how the heck could anyone stand to be able to hear this all the time. It was cool though. So much chaos, yet perfectly sequenced.
I had a blip after that, but I don't remember. But, I did write it in my journal. I have to look tonight and see. I always think that I'll remember stuff, but if I don't write it down, it may be gone within minutes.

We'll see how I do later. I haven't done my affirmations for 2 days...(GASP) What a wreck!

M.A.P. Day 6 Again...

The Zombies are baaaaack...

Damn zombie dreams! That's one of the reoccurring dreams I have....ZOMBIES....THE WALKING DEAD...

They're always so apropo! And best buddy Kurls was righ there with me! We were battling the zombies. Dey was bustin' inta da criiiiib! More pfun times...It's soooooo annoying! I don't wake up freaked out or anything...just annoyed! Because, I don't want to know what it's tryin' to tell me! Please...make it stop. Tell them zombies to get outta ma hood!
I'll check back...

M.A.P. Day 6

I didn't sleep well last night. I keep being awoken by popping sounds. There are a lot in my apartment...just the apartment settling.

I can't remember a single dream...I'm stressed out and will be until I find a roommate and move back into my apartment. I can't stand the limbo! AHHHH!

I was doing my energy work yesterday and meditating. I actually felt really intense vibrations and I've only felt them once before. Thank goodness I don't experience them much because they are a bit freaky.

So I was sitting out on my balcony with the pines thinking about how if I could imagine another scenery out of the shadows and outlines of trees and the current scenery that I could just shift enough to change my environment I got the sense of what it would be like, to just switch over to another channel. Then the moment was gone and I over it and went inside to pass out.

That's it. I'm not in a journaling mood today. I need freakin' Mercury to go direct NOW! I'm about to explode!
(sigh)

Happy Equinox - Leprechauns & Stuffed Animals

Spring has sprung...woo woo!

So, I had to take a few days off to clean. I had been slothlike since January. Thank goodness someone came up and was suddenly motivated to clean, dust and vaccum. I had to "STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER" to avoid any temptation to veg. It's been horrible. I've been completely immobilized. Blame it on March Madness.

My bedroom is another story...I'm busy sewing right now. I'm making a stuffed animal for my niece. Because, my big mouth opened up and said, "Awe, I like your pup drawing. He's cute. I bet I can make him into a stuffed animal." Next thing I know, 2 more drawings of different characters show up. Then my nephew says, "I WANT A DRAGON!" Sure, sweetie, what color? "RED!"

It's been three months since I told them I'd make them. I KNOW I KNOW! I'm an awful auntie! They've called me though...several times. You'd think they were loan sharks! They are not about to give up on me. I guess that's a good sign.

So, Saturday morning as I was getting ready for work. I got a call from my niece...She excitedly told me all about the Leprechaun they found sleeping on the couch with gold coins (chocolate). Then she told me how she knew he fell asleep playing the Play Station, because, when they went to bed it was off, but when they came downstairs and discovered the leprechaun, it was on! She was so tickled that they found a real leprechaun. "It's 20 years good luck auntie Jen". It was soooo sweet!

I waited a whole year to send that leprechan. I found him...can you guess? IN A CRAIN GAME! I freed his little green butt in Anaheim February 2004 on my way back from passing State Board! Yes, I still get so excited thinking about that!

Anyway, it was a very good day. So, I freed the leprechuan and didn't even think about giving him to the kids, until my mom told me of the leprechaun trap they had just set that St. Patricks Day. But, it was too late, so I held onto him for a year, which as Kurls knows is a FEAT! Patience is not my specialty. Let me tell you, he almost escaped to the Baras Foundation a few times. But, as luck would have it, he made it safely to my mom who then drove him to the kid's house and set him up complete with gold coins.

So as I'm getting ready to get off the phone and thinking, phew, glad she didn't ask me about her Pup, I hear a deafening silence and then...

"So...ah...auntie Jen...how are you coming along with my Pup?" NOOOOOOooooooooooo. She's not about to let the pup go! I told her that I'd finish it this week and get it in the mail by next week. I don't think that she really believed me. I'm not sure I did either, but she let me slide. So we said our goodbyes and hung up. Just as I was thinking, well, at least I didn't have to grovel to Brannon. Suddenly, the phone rings...can you guess who? My nephew. He sounded upset like I had forgotten about him. (mild GUILT!) "So...ah...auntie Jen, you about done with my dragon yet?" THE PRESSURE (from an 8 and 9 year old) I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!

I told him that his was bigger (which is true, the plans are for it to be big) and that's why his is going to take longer. I have to finish Pup first and then I'll put all my attention on the Dragon.
However, I actually (much to my amazement) made a lot of headway with the Pup. All I needed was a little bit of purple sequins to inspire me! I should be done by tomorrow...Wednesday at the latest. Woo Woo! I've never been so anxious to complete something in my life.

I'll do a photo shot with the Pup so everyone can see my hard work and mental angst. Plus, something I didn't put in my "about me" section...I MAKE STUFFED ANIMALS AND DO PHOTO SHOOTS WITH THEM! Yeah, what are you going to do about it? When I was little, I wanted to be an animal photographer,so I guess this is the next best thing!

So Happy Equinox to all! Thank goodness!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vernal_equinox

M.A.P. Day 5, 2nd time

So I didn't even read the pages for Day 5 yesterday. How could I go on?
I woke up suddenly at 5:10AM. My room was too hot for one thing, but then a wave of anxiety hit me and I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, 45 minutes later I passed out.

I had an awful dream about my Brother. I dreamt he was in the midst of having a "Massive heart attack." It was so awful. I was holding him, his wife was freaking out and I was trying to dial 911 but couldn't get through. It was so disturbing, that I actually called him immediately upon waking at 8:30am PST.

He called me back an hour later telling me that he was in an examination room at his doctors office, waiting for him to come in. He's been really sick, flu-like.
Of course, he's like, what did you dream? I didn't want to tell him, but then I did. I said, "I don't think it was prophetic, because you were younger, like 28, but...I dreamt you had a heart attack." (I left out the word "Massive"). He said, "Grrrreat." What else could he say? So, I'm going to call him back in a few minutes to see what the doctor said.

I really haven't had a dream that was that disturbing since I can remember. He didn't die in the dream, but he was fading fast. I hope that it's about some male aspect of myself and not my actual brother. The thing is, that I could feel his essence so much. There's a different sensation when I dream about somebody and when I dream about someone and feel them too. I'm thinking of butterflies... it's kinda like butterflies in the stomach, but they're all over.
So I will definitely be focusing my energy on my brother now. Because, something's there, whether it's in him or in me or in both of us. That's what dreaming is for, no? To bring to awareness.

**********************************************
So, I've also been thinking about the need I have to categorize people. I knew society and other people have the need, but I didn't know that I (Leo) did. I really do and I've been painfully witnessing it lately.

It goes like this:
I meet someone and quickly descern certain things about them, even, if they aren't pleasant things. I need these things so that I can safely catergorize them. I know the best thing is to allow people to unfold. To see who they are or who they want to be. But then that can be dangerous because, the unexpected can occur. I'm begining to believe that it's an old survival mechanism. Like, "am I a meal for this person"?

But in a quantum physics sort of way, they aren't really who they are until I observe them anyway, right? I might be thinking they are like A, but then they act like B which would lead to believe that they are B, but then they pull a C and truthfully, they could be anything else inbetween or beyond that category that I've created for them. They may be a category I have yet to conceive. OR they might continually grow and change and be beyond categorization. Hmm...

***Geek alert!***

So what I'm trying to say is that this categorizing of people isn't working for me. Some people are more exciting and have more to offer than I could ever dream of if only I allow them to show me who they are. It fits perfectly with the dream I had the other day about the guy I know who couldn't stand up straight in his old, small room. Maybe I created the room (Gasp!)

I dreamt of that guy in the room again right after my brothers dream this morning. I was trying to get the guys attention. I was kind of flirting with him. When he walked by I'd trip him. I know, doesn't sound nice, but he was laughing.

**********************************************
On another dreamy side note. My dad called me yesterday to tell me that he had a dream about Mew. He said he had been looking at her picture on-line (The read the Paw...pic) and that later that night she came to him in a dream in which he followed her and she took him to (they were flying...see, I told you she loves to fly!) a garden where I was sitting below and just as he was flying down to the garden to see me he woke up. Interesting...

Oh yeah...Happy ST. Paddy's day!

M.A.P. Day 5

I didn't listen to the BWG last night. Those binaral beats can be a bit much. I like the kind where they play pretty music over them. These humming and buzzing tones can be annoying. If there are pretty lil' chimes and vibraphones sounding off, it's much more enjoyable. Anyway...
I also didn't do my affirmations last night. So what! Of course, then I was irritated that I know I had a dream, a lengthy one at that, but I cannot remember the slightest detail. It's like it's just out of my peripheral...dang it.

The other day, I forgot to mention that, while listening to the BWG I had a vision of myself, except that I had blue/gray eyes. That was wierd. I like my eyes green! I've seen myself before (a few times)...don't know what it means.

Oh, I emailed a friend of mine, whom I haven't talked to in ages and she responded with, "Oh my god, I had a dream about you last night". Love it!

That's all...today I'm just not inspired. However, I did pick up Red today (Lil' Red Boot - my geetar) after having neglected her for 2 months. She's (he/she morphs between being more a he and more a she. So, I use both.) not very happy and she wants her strings changed again! Goodness.

M.A.P. Day 4 (Last Time) No excitement...

I think part of my problem is that I don't go to bed until I'm ready to passout. I have more vivid dreams and experiences when I'm allowed to sleep in. But, considering I'm working 7 days a week, that's just not gonna happen anytime soon. I need to revamp my schedule. (sigh)

So I had one really funny dream that I'm not going to mention, because it's just too obvious. But, here's a bit of another...

I dreamt I was walking with two aquaintances. One girl was complaining that we were letting too many people into our "club". She said, that we needed to limit it to only "cool" people (GAG!). Another gal said, "Sorry, but everyone is invited". Then some integrity issues were brought up by the first gal. However, we ended with, "Too bad, they are all coming".

I was lying in bed trying to remember my dreams, when I was rudly interrupted by someone knocking of the door and then ringing my doorbell. It was the landscaper trying to tell me that although they had the stumping machine right outside my window, they were not responsible for the huge crack in my window...it was just coincidence that it happened during the same hours!

I have been experiencing a lot of revelations about myself, but I'm greedy (greedy, or junkie?)when it comes to the vivid dream experiences...I want more, More, MORE!

Damselflies

There's a damselfly in the building at work. I never even knew they existed until recently. One was trapped in the salon downtown. It let me rescue it. It sat on my finger for a few minutes before flying away. They have the cutest teef. Now one is at the other job location.

Cute...
http://groups.msn.com/ThunderNationMovement/dragonflytotem.msnw

I opened the door so it could get out, but first it flew over and hovered around me...then flew out the door.

Can't help but notice the reoccurring theme of the animals trapped in my workplace! What the...!
Also it's interesting to note that both the damselfly and the hummingbird can both fly both horizontally and vertically, forward and backward. They can stop dead in there tracks and hover! No other animals can do that...neat.

***ANIMAL GEEK!***

UPDATE: 10/14/06 1:07PM

The damselfly is back. She's flying around my head and now resting on the back wall.
Awwe...one of her back left legs in missing!

M.A.P. Day 4 - Hummingbirds & a kard from Kurls

I didn't do either of my affirmations...doh! I didn't even listen to the BWG. Didn't wanna! I'm such a rebel, even in my own head. I did, however, do the energy work. That was actually pretty intense.

I was siting on my balcony and I could feel all this energy moving through my body and around. Of course one of the local hummingbirds had to say, hello and then show off with a few aerial stunts.

I love those lil' guys. They will make sure I see them. They know exactly were my line of vision is. I'll be sitting and staring at the sky and one of them will zip and hover into my line of vision. Then I'll look away, and then zip and hover again. Then I'll talk to them like, "Hey cutie, what are you doing?" they will do their lil' back flips and stuff. I love them! They are so friendly.

I actually even got to pet one the other day, if you can believe it! It flew into work (hummingbirds everywhere!) and was smacking up against the window. That part was awful, but then my boss, being an animal geek, went up and started talking to it. It stopped in the window and actually let her pick him up. She cupped it and then kissed it. It's lil' heart was beating so fast. I stroked under his beak. They are soooo increadibly soft! Like bunny fur. Anyway, we set it outside and walked away, but it didn't fly away. I was worried that it was going to have a heart attack and die. I snuck back out and could tell it was much better because his beak was closed. I said, "Okay, you can fly now". Then he gave a "chirp chirp" (yes hummingbirds chirp. They have a very disinct chirp too.) and flew away. He hasn't come back that I know of, but it's been raining.

The most interresting part is that I had been hard at work (at work!) researching the hummingbird animal totem on the internet just hours before the lil' guy flew in.

http://www.montanadreams.net/symbology/animals/anim_1.html

When I first moved in to the apartment, they sent out a survellience team to check me out. One would distract me and then I'd feel something looking at me and I'd look down to my right and there'd be one spying on me. Then another one would distract me, etc...

Now, they come and say hi pretty regularily. A crow showed up one morning and started cawing. The crow was looking right at me and as I'm hoping it's not a message of doom, two hummingbirds began dive bombing him and chased him away. It was cool. Who knew?

So I actually did have a dream last night. It was with Kurls, who I dream of fairly often. All I remember is that we were at a fair (of course!) and she was giving me a card that she made (she's Krafty!) but the cool thing was that the card was alive! The last page of the card was a fold out white paper, with like a cutout kitty face and it started talking. It was sweet, but I woke up sad, because I miss her! Mmmph!

I guess my feelers were out because she called me before I could finish writing this with the exciting news that she figured out how to put her own video on her page. ("Hey P!")

Ok that's it for todays M.A.P. report...let's see how tonight goes with the eclipse...these things are always a tad creepy...in a good way.

UPDATE: 3/14/06 11pm
The hummingbird came back around 4:30pm! AND, he brought a little friend. They sucked up some of the new brew we made for them. They were so cute I could barely stand it.
The moon is beautiful tonight. I sat outside for a bit, bathing in the moonlight. Preeeeetttty!

M.A.P. Day 3 (last time)

So I woke up at 3:30am from a dream. I was with a guy (he shall remain nameless...not the regular dream guy). I was at his house and he introduced me to his father who was Ray Liota (go figure...). He showed me all of these really small rooms. He could barely stand up straight in them.

Next, we were cuddling with eachother and then he tried get a little something more. I was like, "no way, this is our first time together. This tells me exactly how you see me." Then I thought, "mmm...maybe, it's been awhile". But, thank goodness I ended with, "No way. See ya". Then, suddenly he was like, "oh, I'm sorry". We hung out some more. He started to push another boundary, but quickly recovered. And that was pretty much it. ...Intahresting...vary vary intahresting.

Tomorrow is the Lunar eclipse. Brew ha ha!

UPDATE: 3/14/06
I was rereading this dream and this part: He showed me all of these really small rooms. He could barely stand up straight in them. Hmm...Straight...this is a guy who is showing me that he is being restricted or has been restricted in the past from being able to stand up straight. That could be straight as in, stand up for himself, or straight as in heterosexual? Hmm...facinating...simply facinating.

Eros & Psyche, Persephone & Hades. Oh My...

I had an idea that I was living through a mythological story, but I truly did not KNOW that until now...

I was reading Tori Amos Piece by Piece (a great book so far) and per usual a lot of her ideas resonated me. But, it was on pages 89 and 90 that it truly clicked for me. I really understood for the first time my dream guy (see earlier blogs). It's funny that I finally share him with others and then I actually get him.

I thought I would never know who he was or continually mistake him for someone else. I know now that person was a vehicle through which he passed and demanded my attention (much like the breeze last night). This is kind of creepy...I LOVE IT!

So here's what I found on page 89 "They said to me that I had to find the male within myself who is this demon lover. He has to love my woman." On Page 90: ****PARENTAL ADVISORY**** "...You need to look at what in your own male aspect is f*cking your woman up the a** with her head smashed into the pillow. That's stuff to make you throw up."
And I did feel like heaving. In my head I had played the What if...? game and then Tori is telling me that my What if...? is a story that happens all the time. Infact, I think it's a war.

This is the story that changed my life and altered my perception of this reality...There are several lives before this within which I lived and died. But this is the most recent:

I met someone who at first was cute, but then I judged him and his burden became one thing, again he was cute and we shared things in common, but soon I put another burden on him...Then another. Isn't that how it works? And when my fear climaxed to make it what it was. It hit me blindly... the brutal attack that I had in store for myself. Ahh...But there were myths to be lived out.

So this attack is translated to this person. This person inspires The Dark Prince within.
The story goes like so...

One night, in late March 2 months after the last interaction and just days before the Spring Equinox. I was minding my own business in dreamland when suddenly someone grabs my arm and yanks me out. (In my dream I had been walking with another man and was very happy. So when it was disrupted, I was pissed.) I whipped my head around to see who dare! And who do I see but the last one I expected...Him. I am surprised and confused. I know I'm not in dreamland and my body is sleeping somewhere, but where are we and why is there no dream scenery only gray fog? And how the heck did he do that? What a will he must have.

He takes my hand and is emabarrassed and apologetic about his past behavior. He's talking to me, but telepathically. I notice that his hair is longer and he is all in white. He's different. He's gone through a major transformation. I know he has just returned from a very dark place. But he's so light now (free from burden) and he's just happy to be alive in his own skin. I check his hands and they looked like His. I wonder if he feels anything for me. He smiles and tells me he's come back for me. He wants me to be his girlfriend. But I am dripping in self-loathing, humilitation and shame. He smiles at me lovingly and tells me that it's okay, because this is how it was always going to be...Him and me.

I float back, out of my body and witness this from another perspective. I hear voices talking and they are not happy with my reaction. "Look at her face she is still so upset." I am back in my body facing him. He sits down with me still holding my had smiling at me lovingly. Then...BANG, I hear what sounds like a door slam and I'm suddenly in bed with my eyes wide open, wide awake at 4am going, "What just happened? I wasn't sleeping...what just happened?"

So then someone I was looking forward to forgetting soon, would not ever be forgotten, not for very long anyway. Then dreams came...Different colored hair, different moments in time, different ages, different relationships...The King of Swords even showed up...(bless him).
Now in "dreams" mostly we are hugging, holding, and hopefully, healing. He carried a lot for me. I am grateful. It's all so trippy.

So, my "dream" man is Eros and Hades. He is my unconscious and The Dark Prince. I've played both Psyche and Persephone. Psyche was the only woman known of, who entered the Netherworld and came back. Persephone of course is Queen of the underworld.
I forgot how all 4 are connected. It was Eros who shot an arrow into Hades making him fall for Persephone. It was Eros' fault Hades took her in the first place....we'll it was Aphrodities idea! Don't forget what a trouble maker she can be. Good thing she's so hot!And Psyche, to win Eros back, had to gather water from the deadly waters of the river Styx and then she had to borrow some of Persephone's beauty and place it in a box. She had to deliver the box to Aphrodite, unopened and untouched. Hmm...so much to think about.

So all this is happening inside me...It's Alchemy. Facinating! I actually get to consciously participate. Lucky me!

http://www.nrg.com.au/~d-falcon/Mythology_of_Eros.htm
I wonder if my M.A.P. program has something to do with the revelation. It's great,because there are questions that can be answered and that I can comprehend. Joy!
Oh, and another thing about Tori's book...more indians!

Currently reading : Tori Amos: Piece by Piece By Tori Amos

M.A.P. Day 3 (Again)

Yes, Day 3 again, because I was still doing Day 2 stuff! What a dork, I forgot to turn to Day 3. What is the symbolism there?

So I was irritated today when I awoke at 6:30am knowing I had just finished a dream, but couldn't remember a single detail. I laid in bed trying to recall it to no avail. I decided to let it go and maybe something would trigger the recall.

I decided to try to AP and set my alarm (so I thought) for an hour later. Turns out I set my clock an hour ahead and woke up at 10am! I was freaked out because I was supposed to be at work at 10am. However, I realized right away what I did so the panic didn't last long. However, I was groggy from over sleeping.

I recalled an irritating dream where I was in a class where we were putting on a play (the second time I've dreamt of a play in a week...I didn't mention the other because it seemed pointless). I showed up to class with my team only to find out that we were underdressed. The other play teams had really gone all out with their costumes and props. Our play was King Kong (go figure.). I was getting reading to read my part, It was a bit part of a man, when the lead said that he wanted another girl to read for it too. I was pissed, because I had been the one reading it in rehearsals. I told them both that she could do it and that I didn't care. They were like, "Are you sure?". I said, "Yes!" bitterly. I told them that I would be one of the waterslide helpers. (There was a huge water slide that weaved back and forth and there were helpers to move people along who got stuck). I was so pissed and thought the bit part was stupid anyway. I wasn't going to be noticed anyway, so why even bother and then now I had to compete for my bit part...stupid.

Next I ran into two gals in costume. I don't remember what one had on, but the other was dresssed in a turn of the century long black shiny dress with this huge black hat. The hat had a big veil that covered her face. She showed me that it was actually 2 hats in one. The veil and brim fit over this cat-in-the-hat type hat. It was huge, if I haven't said that already. Then I woke up feeling the presence of Mew. I was like, "Hey Mew Mew". (Sometimes I wake up feeling her, sometimes it will just happen when I'm sitting in my room.)
This was one of those dreams, where I'm like, "Haven't I moved passed that already?" Apparently not!

As I was driving to work, I turned on the radio and was irritated by the reggae music (Sorry, reggae and country...not my favs) and then on-slaught of commercials. Suddenly I recalled a dream I had in the middle of the night. I dreamed of a song. (I dream of music several times a year). I thought I was awake at the time. I was concentrating on memorizing the melody and the verse. I was confident that I could remember it. Heck, I couldn't even remember the dream let alone the song.

I was sooo mad at myself for not being able to recall the song! Only once have I been able to recall music from the other side. I was chastising myself when it occurred to me how, yet again, ungrateful I was being. Maybe the songs can't translate to the physical. Maybe they have no desire to reside over here. Maybe I should be grateful that they chose to bless me with their presence. I can be so bratty, but they are always so beautiful and I think the world should hear them. Maybe we do hear them, but not consciously. Who knows. It's up to the song, not me. I'm not the source that created them, but I would bring them here and take credit. Hmm... be right back.

M.A.P. Day 3

First off, I have to say that this crazy San Diego weather is messing with me. It's not even 8pm and I'm ready to passout from the cold! I had to go workout last night just to keep from falling asleep.

Anyway, I did most of my energy work and my affirmations. The breathing exercise is my favorite, because it's so relaxing and alters my consciousness. It's amazing how quickly 5 minutes can pass. That's how the BWG is too. Suddenly, it's 45 minutes and I have to get the headphones off.

I've been sleeping pretty hard, so no travels have occurred. I did have a dream this morning right before 6:30am.

Dream:
I was in an old farm house (the kind I grew up in) with some friends and Mew was there, except, she was a calico kitten (so cute). It was snowing outside and she jumped out an open window onto the roof. I was panicing. I knew she would fall. (She was never very coordinated for a cat!). I called her in, but she was being her bratty rebel self. Sure enough, she slide off the roof and fell 2 stories. I ran downstairs to get her. Thank goodness she was fine.

Next, I dreamt of Bleyer (I rarily dream of him. In fact the last time I did was twice right before he called to get back in touch after we hadn't spoken to each other for... oh...7 years. Stupid. Both of us.) So,we were at a club and some guy was telling Bleyer that he was a real talker. Bleyer was offended. He left me with this guy, who was fine at first and kind of cute, but then he morphed into another guy who kept trying to feel me up. I finally had it with fighting him off and left. Then the guy runs up to me and says, "I love you". I was like, "What?!"
I found Bleyer again who was now with our friend April. They were walking next door to a taco stand. I was irritated that they were leaving without me. Then Bleyer says, "I can't believe that guy said I was a talker". That's it. Nothing exciting. Just a typical dream. I can't even remember what anyone was wearing.

At some time I was playing guitar. I was glad that I finally picked him/her (my guitar is androgynous...surprise) up again. I was enjoying our chat.

I woke up at 6:30am. I was wide awake, but decided to use this opportunity to really try to AP. I was laying on my back to avoid falling completely asleep, but kept waking myself up with, "Snork, snork." Then I thought someone was breathing on me, but my breath was just making a weird wheezing noise because my left nostral was clogged. Oh boy...good times. I suck at this so far. It was so easy at one time.

Usually when I dream of Mew, I know she has passed. This was the first time I forgot about it. Interesting...why a calico kitten? Maybe because I had a calico kitten named Daisy when I was a kid, but she was flatten in the road by a car just down the street from my house. Yes, I have a lot of dead pet stories...too many...Don't most of us?

Oh well, time for my nightly affirmations.

Until tomorrow.

M.A.P. Day 2

Yes, I am moving onto Day 2. I did both morning and evening affirmations. Did a tad bit of the energy work and listened to the Brainwave Generator (BrainWave Generator generates binaural beats that change your brain frequency towards the desired state. In this case the Theta/Delta state for an OBE.)

I've had some wierdness occur with the BWG. I had an interesting image of a crayfish of all things. It was white with red spots. I immediately thought of the crayfish in the Tarot on The Moon card (The Golden Dawn Deck).
For pic:
http://www.angelpaths.com/decks/goldendawn/majors/themoon.html

Crayfish - primordial and primitive. The unconscious. Early stages of conscious unfoldment. The crayfish is renowned for its ability to fall in love with, mate and impregnate itself. It can represent the zodiac signs Cancer and/or Pisces.

There are white crayfish, but they are rare. I couldn't find any info on a white one with red spots.

Okay, this is really freaky, considering Mercury is in retrograde and there is a lunar eclipse on the 14 of this month, which is only 4 days away. It's amazing how much we know on a subconscious level!

Check this out:
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?s=2e364d357ef74f1257f1869ebe9d7d5e&p=716705#post716705

So, enough of the crayfish. With the brainwave generator after about 45 minutes I suddenly was wide awake and had to get the headphones off my head. It was some wierd thing, like I've had enough.

DREAM:
The only dream I can recall was one in which, surprise, I was playing the crane game. I was trying to get a kiddie camcorder for my niece and nephew. I accidently got a small, long silver boom box. I went back in and got the camcorder, but then I realized that the instruction books were in there too. I was out of money. I thought it was the dumbest thing that I had to pay to win the instruction books too. It was 50 cents a game and I had just used my last 50 cent piece. I knew I could figure out the camera on my own, but I was concerned that the kids couldn't. So I was telling the worker in the arcade how stupid it was. Of course he just looked at me like, "you think I care". That's all I remember for now.

Side note: Today it's creepy weather in SD. There's something in the air or as Mary Sparrowdancer would say, "Somethings about to be revealed." Brew ha ha ha ha!
brain wave info: http://www.bwgen.com/theory.htm

)(*&&^)& Mercury!

I'm so confused and a little sad. There's a little cutie who's path I cross 3 to 4 times a week. We usually say a little hello with a teeny bit of flirting. It's sweet and innocent. But the last few days he's completely ignored me and then today shot me a look of utter horror. So odd. I'm surprised how hurt I feel. I know I'm a sensadiva, but still! Ouch! What happened?
I'll just blame it on the whole Mercury in retrograde communications (*&^($*$ up.
Don't like it...I thought I was making a new friend. Waa Waa Waa...

Update: 3/10/06
Freakin' Mercury!
I unexpectedly (yet some how I knew I would) ran into the cutie today. He was sweet, but looked heartbroken or something. Poor cutie. Of course it has nothing to do with me. Phew. That Leoness just throws things out of perspective sometimes. I'll send him good thoughts.
(Sigh) Peace has been restored. At least in my mind!

3/11/06
I guess I should mention that the first time I saw the cutie, I thought he was the guy who my dream guy looks like. They have a similar build and bone structure. But, the cutie has beautiful light hazel eyes instead of brown. (Oh, my roommates door just slammed...I thought I had shut it already...eeeeee! Now the blinds are going...Mommy!) The brown eyes are pretty too! The brown eyes are pretty too!

Okay, I need to gain composure! You how sometimes when a door or window slams it's no big deal, but other times, there's a little something extra with it? That was one of times when it was perfectly timed with a little extra GET YOUR ATTENTION added to it.
Okay, so where was I? I don't think they look alike so much anymore. But, BOTH or should I say ALL THREE, are ridiculously handsome.

I have dreamed of the cutie, only once and it was several months ago. He had on all black as did I. It was a level 4 or 5. I was very aware. We were rolling around together, but it was all choreographed. It's hard to describe. Just thought I'd mention it.

M.A.P. Day 1 (for the last time)

I had mostly annoying dreams last night that I can vaguely remember. The one thing I did remember was a man passing by me with a purple shirt on with jeans (normally, I would assume a man wearing purple was gay) he grabbed my arm as he passed, but in a friendly way. Like saying, "hey". He was (I originally typed I was! What the heck?) tall dark and handsome with boyish good looks. I wished he would've stopped and talked to me. The odd thing was that when I awoke,I realized that he reminded me of a painting of a religious card I had found outside by the dumpster. It's a picture of Christ in a white hooded robe holding a man with a purple shirt and jeans. He has a mallot in one hand and a railroad tie in the other. He didn't look like the guy, but was wearing the same outfit sans the mallot and rail tie. There's also a river of blood and white lillies on the card. On the back is the word Forgiveness and the statement "Do you know the joy of being forgiven?" Then some other stuff about inviting Jesus into your heart. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" II Corinthians 5:17 NIV

Maybe I'm being forgiven. I certainly hope the new has come!

How to be a more loving human being

I've been meaning to blog this for some time, but for some reason I'm just now getting around to it.

On February 28th, I was reflecting and comtemplating so many things about life and love (as always 24/7) when I realized that I'm not as loving and compassionate as I could be. I became distraught and somewhat self-loathing. I cried out to God, my guides, anyone and anything that would listen, I said, "Please help me. I want to be a more loving person, I want to be more compassionate". Suddenly, I felt warmth and serenity, the room got brighter and then a little voice said, "Then do."

True story. Is it really that simple? Probably so.

M.A.P. Day 1 (3rd time!)

So I "forgot" to do my energy work and then "forgot" the nightly affirmations. I can't even get through Day 1 how sad is that? I'm sorely lacking discipline in ALL aspects of my life right now except the gym. I'm disciplined enough to make it there 5 times a week. Because without that I'd probably overload and then...don't wanna even think about it.

So last night I was in a nasty space and passed out with makeup on (at least I changed into my jammies) on top of the bed with two lights on. I woke up at 4am, turned off the lights and crawled under the covers. I don't remember a single dream except one that I had during my alarm snooze. It's amazing what can take place within 10 minutes.

I dreamed of (as Kurls knows) She who's name must not be spoken. Why? Because the very fact that I even dreamed of her means she's thinking about one of us, Kurls or myself. Anytime we've brought her up in coversation, she's called or emailed within days! She's probably trolling MySpace looking for us as I write this.

What was the dream? All I remember was her being herself. I'm surprised I didn't punch her out. I'm not a violent person, but she's the one person...I pulled Kurls off of her once. The police were called. Pfun times. A mutual friend pulled Kurls off a second time. If ever there were a next time. I don't think anyone would stop Kurls again.

Who is this gal? I really can't go on about her without sounding as if I'm judging her and that is such a no no. Plus, I don't want to keep the window open very long, she may come through. You think I'm kidding...just wait!

I know exactly why I dreamt of her. I was reading Love Song of the Universe. There's a part where the light being teaches Mary about prayer. According to him, prayer is a love song. He demonstrates this buy sending Mary love. He fills her up with love and then asks her to think of her worst enemy. Then he has her send the light to the enemy and this beautiful explosion of light,love and music occurs and she no longer feels anything but love for this woman.
So I was thinking who's my worst enemy and She who's name must not be spoken came to mind. Because really, she's the only person I deliberately no longer speak with. But then, I realized that I am my worst enemy, we all are our worst enemies. I didn't want to put that on her, so I practiced sending love to myself like any good Leo would! But then, why did I dream of her? Well, I think she is the outward personification of the worst part of myself. Critical, cruel, kicks you when you're down, nothings ever good enough, self-loathing, spiteful and above all, condesending ("Don't you condesend me!" - Early Grayce) Hey, I'm talking about the worst part of myself here.

So that was Day 1 for the 3rd time.

Inspiration and validation - a damn good book

It's amazing how quickly one can plummit from bliss to despair. I don't know why. Well, yes, I do but I'm not going to write about it now.

On the brighter side, I'm reading this great book. (some times a good book is the only thing that keeps me sane.) It's called Love Song of The Universe. I love it. It's my new favorite. It kind of reminds me of some of Lynn Andrew's books. It makes me feel less crazy. I think my experiences are out there and sometimes I feel so alone because of them. Then I read something like this and wow. It puts most of my experiences to shame.

The author has indian teachers and guides. Which always intrigues me. 13 years ago I moved to San Diego for the first time after my first experience with the death of some one I knew (not going to go there now). I was napping when suddenly I found myself witnessing a rain dance. My consciousness was there not my body. I watched them dance and chant and I don't know how to describe it, but I saw how the rain dance worked. I felt it rise up into the atmosphere and create a rain shower. It was the coolest thing. I snapped awake and said, "Wow, rain dances really do work!" They're probably like, "No shit white girl".

There was a time in real life in San Francisco, Kurls can vouch for me, we were over looking a festival (can't remember which one there are sooo many!) in Dolores Park. Indians were there in full on headdresses and buckskin dancing around. It was an overcast day (common for SF) when suddenly the sun came out, but there was a sort of cloud over it so you could look directly at the sun and then a rainbow ring suddenly appeared around the sun. It looked like an eclipse with a rainbow. It was so bizzarre. Everyone was staring at it in awe. And we ALL knew it was the indian ritual. As soon as they stopped. The sun went behind the clouds and the ring disappeared. (Remember Kurls? We were on Pam's balcony.) This was a few years after my raindance experience too.

I dream of indians on occassion. I will usually have cluster dreams of them. It's funny because I was talking to my dad about this. I was asking him why I would dream of indians when I don't have any indian blood. He said, "Oh yes you do, your great great aunt was Iroqouis." I was a little surprised to say the least. Hmm...maybe she's looking out for me. "It's in the blood senators".

Anyway I've read 97 pages in a matter of hours and will probably finish it tonight. Mary has some serious dreamtime experiences. I only hope that someday I will be as fortunate to experience and remember such exciting things.

Currently reading : The Love Song of the Universe By Mary Sparrowdancer Release date: By May, 2001

M.A.P. Day 1 (Again) and an intro to My Dream Guy

First off, I had an experience as I was falling asleep. I saw a pool of water on a white tile floor and then suddenly sunlight hit it and it sparkled real pretty like . It was extremely vivid. Then I snapped back into bed. Some people refer to these as hypnagogic images. I love 'em.
Second, as some point, I did realize I was in a dream and begain to fly, but thanks to my best buddy Kurls and her Pinhead post(thanks P!) I couldn't leave the dream images because I was thinking, what if Pinhead or other creatures down there could fly too! I obviously wasn't conscious enough if I was entertaining that notion.

Lastly,my cycle is deffinitly starting earlier this year. Persnaps it's March Madness with a lunar eclipse a solar eclipse and Mercury in retrograde! AHHH! Did I meantion I have Gemini rising. I know, I know, "What a surprise."

I had a dream last night with my dream guy. Yes, I actually do have a dream guy and as God is my witness, I don't even try to dream about him. He just shows up. He shows up in clusters. He's early this year! I hadn't seen him since August, I believe. I'll have to check my dream journal. Anyway, on 2/28/06 He suddenly showed up in a level 3 dream.
I dreamed that I was working at the salon downtown and the receptionist was telling me that he had come in for an appointment the night before She was a cross between the current receptionist and a gal I worked with in another job (typical level 2). She was going off on how he was a player and a dork, but for some reason I wasn't going there with her. I wasn't going to put him down or judge him, because I felt she didn't know him the way I did. I was disappointed I had missed him. Then suddenly he walks through the door and it was the night before. I had travelled back in time (a reoccurring theme with him) He had on a blue shirt (cornflower or royal blue). He dropped off some Rayban sunglasses (I love symbolism) and came right up to me. I told him that I had time travelled back to see him, because I didn't usually work this night. I also told him that the secret to time travel is changing just one thing. "If you change just one thing in your pattern you can time travel", I said. We walked with our arms around each other...

Why am I mentioning this dream? Because he showed up last night too! I'm minding my own business and then suddenly he's right there with me and we're on this ride that flew through the air and he had to hold onto me with his arm around me or was gonna slide off. He keeps calling me his London wife (not that he had more than one wife). Hmm...that's all I remember. Odd no?

Also, I tell you about him because he is the first person/being I ever had an OBE with. I know I said he was a living person. He looks like and does have a similar essence. It's all so confusing to me. But I recently read a book Eyes of an Angel, where the author talks about a similar experience. It's a pretty good book.

People always tell me, "just tell him to go away", or "Do a ritual". I have, trust me! I've done every banishing ritual I could find. I've begged him and begged God to make him stop. It's just how it's going to be. I think it's beyond my ability to comprehend in this lifetime. He's kinda starting to grow on me too.

Currently reading : Eyes Of An Angel: Soul Travel, Spirit Guides, Soul Mates, And The Reality Of Love

M.A.P. Day 1 - Free Will

I did my morning affirmations, but my lazy self didn't do the energy work. I find myself resistant to it. I'm not sure why. It takes 15 minutes of my time. Maybe it's that it involves a high degree on concentration and I'm too lazy. Or, maybe I'm afraid of moving to the next level, because advancement ALWAYS entails taking more responsibility. Well, one thing I've learned is that ready or not, when it's time...it'll come for you!

I'm gonna be on Day 1 until I complete the necessary steps. I did have an interresting dream though:

I was suddenly in another woman's body. (this is a re-occurring theme for me). I was aware of who I am now but also aware that now I was experiencing this woman's perspective. She was a mental patient (Hey, no snickering!) and the doctor was about to give her an injection. She/I grabbed a glass candle holder or something similar and hit him right in the eye with it. I can't remember which eye. I ran like crazy and then all the other patients ran too. Several times I was about to be caught. I kept hitting my potential captors hands as they reached out for me. Suddenly I escaped and was in a bathroom dying my hair. I recalled how free my life truely is as Jennifer. How I am free to sleep and eat and even be in a melancholy mood. I made it a point to remember this experience so as to never forget the free will I have as Jennifer. I couldn't wait to get back to me. Then I had left my color on too long and I had some blue patches mixed in with the black, but it didn't look bad. The doctor was coming for me and I couldn't get the door to lock or even close all the way for that matter. I had to wash the color out of my hair. But then the doctor didn't come in right after me as I thought he would. I think he was tired of me as well. I'm not sure he ever came for me.

I would categorize this dream as a level 3. Because there was a profound message. I made it a point in my dream to REMEMBER! And I did. Phew! I am grateful to be me even if I sometimes react like a spoiled brat.

Mastering Astral Projection

Weee! I'm starting a 90-day guide to out-of body experience tomorrow! I'm using the book Mastering Astral Projection by Robert Bruce & Brian Mercer.

http://astraldynamics.com/library/?BoardID=30

I'll go into some detail about how I even got interested in this crazy stuff later on. Until then, I'm gonna catch some Z's. My tired axx still isn't used to working full-time! Sweet dreams.

Currently reading : Mastering Astral Projection By Robert Bruce

Mastering Astral Projection

Weee! I'm starting a 90-day guide to out-of body experience tomorrow! I'm using the book Mastering Astral Projection by Robert Bruce & Brian Mercer.

http://astraldynamics.com/library/?BoardID=30

I'll go into some detail about how I even got interested in this crazy stuff later on. Until then, I'm gonna catch some Z's. My tired axx still isn't used to working full-time! Sweet dreams.

Currently reading : Mastering Astral Projection By Robert Bruce

Help, there's a portal in my bedroom!

I am such a dork. Normally, I'm a low light creature. I walk around my apartment in the dark all the time. I'm the type of person who people are always flicking the light switch on for, "Don't you want some light?", "Why are you sitting alone in the dark?". It's funny how much is disturbs people. Anyway, I'm embarrassed to say that the last two nights I've slept with my salt lamp on! What a dork! I am usually sooo not afraid of the dark.

It started two nights ago. I went to bed around 11:00pm, then woke up suddenly at 12:00am. I don't know what woke me up, but my heart was racing. I calmed myself down and passed out again. 1:00am, I woke up after hearing a loud "POP" it wasn't my heater it was coming from the ceiling. I was thinking it was rats or something. My heart was racing again, but I calmed myself down and passed out again. 2:00am "BANG" I woke up startled and this time was shocked to see with my own eyes this geometeric gridlike thing in my room. It scared me, I'm embarrassed to say. I blinked my eyes, turned on my light and jumped out of bed. My heart was beating so fast. I was surprised that I was actually scared. It was just a stupid grid. It was multicolored and kind of looked like a DNA strand but spread out in a square, but moving...oh I don't know. Anyway, it faded away, because I willed it to. I'm laughing at myself.

A similar thing happened when I lived in the apartment next door. I awoke to see a swirling tunnel in front of me. I had the same kind of intense fearful reaction.

I know most AP teachers would say that I wasn't fully back in my physical body and so I was seeing out of both my astral eyes and my physical eyes. Robert Bruce teaches in his book Astral Dynamics that we have several different bodies all with memories of their own. We travel every night, but we lose the memory when we come back into our physical body. That theory resonates with me.

Check him out. The book is a bit hard to get through in some places. I've read most of the chapters, but not all. Infact, I think I'm going to re-read it now that I mention it. Especially since I'm doing his 90 day program. I've found it helpful to keep the subconscious saturated with the idea of APing while in a program.

http://www.astraldynamics.com/

Currently reading : Astral Dynamics: A New Approach to Out-of-Body Experiences By Robert Bruce Release date: By November, 1999

My Dream States and Levels

We all have different levels of dream states. I have categorized the levels that I personally experience. It would be interesting to see what my brain wave levels were like during these different levels.

Level 1: I can't really remember the dream. Only vague impressions. I usually wake slightly irritated, because I can't remember and because I feel like it was daily anxiety realeasing in the form of forgetable dreams.

Level 2: I remember most of the dream, but not clear details of say what people were wearing. I awake with an emotional impression of what was being conveyed. These dreams aren't my favorite either, because they usually show me things that I don't want to see. Things I thought I had progressed beyond.

Level 3: I awake feeling the dream has significance. During the dream I have moments of lucidity and question what is happening, but I am not fully awake. I remember details like what people are wearing, eye color etc... There is plenty of symbolism and conversation. These dreams I like, even if something I perceive as "bad" has occured. I like being able to remember.

Level 4: Some would call this a lucid dream. I don't call it that, because I don't bother with the dream once I am consciously aware I am in fact in a dream. Once I am aware I try to clear away the dream images, or fly away, which doesn't always work. Most of the time I am not very successful in my spiritual pursuits that I can recall. These are the times when I'm like, "I wanna meet God". Then the light starts to shine on me, I start spinning around excited I'm going to meet God then, BAM, what happened? I'm suddenly awake in bed going, "What? I was just about to meet God! Dag Nabbit!" (Note: It's very common to wake up right as one is about to receive important information or an important experience. Most AP/OBE teachers talk about that. I think the experience happens, but it's too intense for our puny physical brains to comprehend. That, or perhaps we're not ready. I know, I know, "Screw that, I'm ready! Bring it on!") Most of the time my will is not strong enough, or I don't remember to use it, so I don't get the experience I wanted. Maybe I get what I needed (Pluu! I want what I want damn it.).

Level 5: Is what I typically strive for, but don't necessarily get to. This is full awake awareness and ability to call on people, places and things and have them manifest. I begining to think this type of experience is cyclical. I've been having them for 2 years now. They tend to start in late March and April, then trail off in the summer and resurface in September and October. This is why I'm starting the Astral projection program in March. I have my almanac to chart the planetary cycles and I'm good to go! Now all I have to do is actually do the exercises in the book! The most important thing to remember is my WILL.
Kurls and Mew have travelled with me at this level. Kurls can't even remember a dream let alone an astral experience. As for Mew, she used to travel with me all the time. She loves to fly. I've seen her a few times since her passing. Mostly I just cry because I miss her so.

***LEVEL 6*** My favorite level. This level is an involuntary level. I've only experienced this 3X that I can remember. The first was in late March of 2004 followed my the second in April of the same year. The third was a year later in April 2005. The first two are what opened my mind to the possibility of Astral projection. (Note: I don't actually, think of this as Astral projection, I think of it as experiencing consciousness beyond the body. But I'll use the term AP because it's easy. )

This level occurs when I am minding my own business, in a dream or just sleeping and suddenly I'm wide awake and in a place that is not the physical. I'm completely aware that my body is sleeping in my bed and that I'm somewhere else. I have a hyper alert sense. This is the place I like to call the Meeting Place. I've met two living people and one cool being there. The conversation is completely telepathic and there is nothing but love, compassion and understanding eminating from the person/being. The funny thing is that both of the living people I've met there, Chose not to be a part of my physical life in anyway. (No, I did not tell them about it...okay, well one I ran into a year later and told him. AND you know what? He said he's been having these types of experiences his whole life. What the heck was I supposed to do with that? Evidently nothing since it was the last time we spoke in the physical.)

With the being I met I've tried so hard to see him (there was a slightly masculine energy about him) but to no avail. I remember it was hard for him to even be there with me. He kept fading in and out. I knew his frequency was too high to be there for long. One of my goals is to meet him again! He told me a lot of stuff about this world and my part in it. But, Of course, upon waking I couldn't recall any of it. I'm sure it's in my subconsicous somewhere.
Anyway, since it's March I think it's the best time to start traveling. Weeee!

P.S. I always dream and experience in color. The idea of dreaming in black and white is incomprehensible to me.

The Crane Game

I just can't help myself. I have a crane game addiction (yes, you really can win at those things!).Certainly, the last thing I needed was a giant pink unicorn. So much for my attempt at minimalism. But, it was a GIANT crane game! How could I resist? So what if I fought off a little girl to get it! I'm the one who spent two attempts knocking it loose! She said she had won 7 things already!

All's fair in THE CRANE GAME! Lord help me...

Check, Check...1...2...Check...she's a go!